I wondered what it'd be like, the first time we three "besties" got together again. The first time we're all married women and mommas. What will we talk about? A teacher, a nurse and a missionary. We won't be talking about the latest crush. No more having to analyze "he said", "she said". (Thank goodness, we wasted enough hours of that in the past.) A bit of me was nervous, but mostly so excited to remember the past, to laugh 'til our tummies hurt, to sing Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock, to share about our families.
There was also an unwelcomed burden coming to our girls weekend. I'd much rather have been back in the dorm staying up too late eating Slap Shot pizza. Sometimes I wish we hadn't grown up so fast and now have to try to be "responsible" and face the tough stuff of life. Besides, when did that happen? But, we had to face it. We needed to talk. Even though we all hate it.
Cancer. Blah, barf a little. I didn't want to talk about it and it was never welcome. We had to talk about it, not just as a hot medical topic but how it's affecting all of our lives. Twelve years ago when our paths "parted" (in vicinity), none of us would ever have dreamed that this would be what we had to talk about. So many unanswerable questions. So many tears. So much you'd like to change. So much that I wish would just go away. Forever. Forgotten.
I guess this is supposed to be my "line of work". And yes, it's something I think about and have worked alongside for a long time. But, it's so much different when it's so close. And my "knowledge" just confuses.They don't teach this in nursing school.
All I can find to encourage is that there's must be hope. And this is from what I've learned in life in the past 12 years. Never was it taught.
There has to be hope. If we lose hope we're left with nothing. But, darn it, I don't know how to hope when the hope may not be on this side of heaven. This isn't something I just thought about last week. It's something I'm ALWAYS thinking about. In Mozambique, we hold suffering babies and I look for the hope. We sit with abandon men, we look for hope. I hold hands with ostracized young woman muddling around for words of hope. I walk through the "normal" impoverished world and wonder where hope is.
When my questions are so big, all I can do is look at my experiences, and hope. Although, I've never dealt with cancer, the promises of my Father don't change, no matter what struggle we're facing. My hubby shares about Revelation 7 and I know, yes, this is the HOPE that we're looking for-- "Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst. The sun will not beat down on them, nor any scorching heat. For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their Shepard; 'he will lead them to springs of living water.' 'And God will wipe every tear from their eyes.'" Yes, that's it! That's definitely the hope we need. But, what do you do when that doesn't feel like enough? When the today hurts too much and hope feels far away?
There's so much I don't know. I don't get it when life throws you something you'd like to send right back out of your ballpark. I don't like that "bad things happen to good people". One thing I do get is this... God hates cancer, he hates AIDS, he hates poverty. Death was not in his original plan. But, since the beginning, since there was sin, we now have to figure out how to deal with all of these difficult things. But to me, it's crazy that, until today, we still don't know how to do it well. We don't know how to hope for our eternity. I don't and it frustrates me that no one is teaching us how. And, we still don't like to talk about it.
This takes me having to trust my good Father to a new level.
As I write this, I don't have my conclusion prepared. I don't have much figured out but there a are few nuggets I keep coming back to. Hope doesn't always mean cure. It doesn't always mean miracles of physical healing (yes, we know God can and does do this). There has got to be so much more to hope because God is our redeemer. Jesus washes us white as snow and that means my yucky thoughts and my sinfulness is forgotten every morning (and then I get out of bed and have to ask again). But, it's there, every single day. Hope can restore our relationships. Hope can give me strength to face the seemingly intolerable. And then, at the end of it all, hope will bring me to my eternal paradise where I won't even remember all of this pain. Hope is deeper than we allow ourselves to understand. Hope is forever. It's not only until our last breath.
And, then, if there's one last thing that I've scratched the surface of understanding it's this-- God uses all things for good and for his glory. When we think that Satan has infected us with his wicked ways, we MUST remember, we just must, that God works "all things for the good of those who love him" Romans 8:28. All things. But, once again, it may not be on this side of heaven, this sinful, yucky side that is so confusing. We must HOPE that as we learn to TRUST Him that one day it will all be okay-- for all of those who love Jesus. And then, we will see how good it all was!
May this some how be enough to help us with our difficult yesterdays, today's and tomorrows. I do believe it is. It must be.
That's my prayer. And, while we wrestle with these questions and answers, we cherish every minute we have together. Ever photo snapped, every giggle shared and every toast lifted! I love you cherished ones!
(Please lift up my dear friend in prayer. )
