let's keep running

At the beginning of this year, I needed to gain control of a few things in life. One of them was to put an end to my nearly 10 year hiatus from running. This wasn't a choice that I ever made, to stop the sport when I moved to Africa, but I find it super embarrassing that I need to intentionally force myself out to door to get exercise. Nearly everyone around me is doing intense physical activity nearly every minute of every day (hauling water, fetching firewood, washing clothes, all super strenuous-- which I could never manually do!). I get that it's even more ridiculous to then do NO form of exercise but that's how it went, a battle for my time and an insecurity of my safety and pride. It's just now, after my husband's vision, and a lot of hard work and hoes clearing a path, (yes, someone else did massive amount of manual labor so I can force my body to be pushed into so some sort of health and fitness. Also, embarrassing.)  in order for me to be able to get out and run a few miles each week. I'm not 21 any more, let's just make that clear! The point of the story comes now....

I've always prided myself in my running. Always wanting to be good and so much better. I hate to walk even when I'm out of shape and old(er). But man, it just hasn't come back like it use to. So, I've humbled myself to the point that I may never win an award for the sport again. Ever. In. My. Life. So, I now, occasionally, run and walk. Recently, I was winded and walking and up ahead were my 2 girls, exploring something near my path. And, the moment they saw me, they both started cheering, "Mommy! Mommy! You can do it Mom! YEAH!" And that's all it took, I no longer needed to walk, their little voices gave me the desire, encouragement and strength to keep running and to push a little harder. I smiled again (smiling and running often don't go together for me) and whizzed passed them (okay, that's a stretch!). I trodded past them, is probably more accurate.

As I continued through the banana trees and past the pineapples I thought-- "even this, my weak, tired steps makes my girls proud." They don't care that I was walking. They wouldn't care if I finished last in every race I ever ran. I know they'd be there cheering me on. If only for their love for me, they stand proudly by me and encourage me in anything I do.

I then thought, "Is that the same way my heavenly Father feels about me?" Right now, when I don't feel I'm adequate. I don't know if I can keep doing all I'm doing. I don't feel like I am worthy to home-school my children. I don't feel loved, appreciated or noticed in much that I do. But, is He up ahead just cheering me on? Even when I'm staggering and out of breath, barely getting one foot in front of the other He's there cheering me on as if I'm the only one in the race? He's there encouraging me as if I'll surely take home the gold? Yes, I suppose that is how He really feels. He's ALWAYS there, thinking I'm the best and so darn proud of me. That encourages my heart. That makes me feel faster and noticed.

That makes me grateful that I have 2 kids teaching me the Gospel.

I'm going to keep running-- the many races I find myself in. It doesn't matter who's coming up from behind. I am good enough and strong enough and He's so proud chanting, "Dara! You can do it!" Let's keep running.

a day for weeping

Today marks 4 months since the message came in. The battle was over, my dear friend entered into her glory and she no longer had to suffer. Four long months. It feels like a life-time since I got to have that life-giving conversation with that friend that "got" my life. She "got it" here, she "got it" there. She worked hard to still be close when  7 time zones separated us. She worked hard to understand what I face daily. She made time in her busy schedule to have me be part of that busy schedule. No wonder the hole in my heart feels gaping. 

There was a moment in the last 4 months when I was able to attend to my grief. In talking to a friend she said, "your dear friend was such a part of you that perhaps something within you died when she did." Oh, how that resonated with me. It put a finger on what I had been feeling. The gaping pain I feel in my heart persists and it's only occasional that life is quiet enough for me to attend to it. And, when I do, it feels that only then, the healing can start to happen. It seems I've been walking around with this wound festering, and the longer I do, the more infected it has become. And while it seems that I should be okay, as I juggle many hats, it's just too easy to dance around not addressing the hole in my heart. And today, on the 4 month anniversary, the wound is stinging and oozing. It feels good to let the tears fall. Like saline cleaning the wound with the hope that I'll walk strong again one day. That even though there will always be a gap in my life without her, I'll continue to grow and be strong again, with the love and support of many others around me. 

Today it just feels good to cry and listen to "Remember When" and "It is Well with my Soul." Dear friend, I weep for you.