questions and no answers

Last week I was a part of a clothing distribution at one of the community-based organizations we work with. It’s nice to see piles of clothes and eager children come to receive something of their own. As wonderful as it all is I struggle being a part of this sort of thing.

And now, everything is in a different light.

Now as I watched hundreds of children dressed in shreds (that are grubbier than my worst household rags), I see Nede. I see Nede in each child I pass on the bush roads. I know Nede is no different from each of these children who doesn’t know where their next meal will come from. This is Nede. This is what Nede comes from. The only difference is that I have been given the opportunity to give Nede something more. I have taken in Nede with a determination to never again allow her to have to look, feel and experience what she comes from. 

But, I can’t help by break for the rest of these children? It hurts me to my core. Knowing I can’t “save” all the children I still have this strong conviction that each of these children deserves what I’m trying to give Nede. It’s not supposed to be this way!! It’s not even the clothes on her back that are important, it’s not the well-balanced meals I try to provide. What each of these children need is to hear someone singing over them, “I love you, I love you, Jesus loves you.” Each child deserves for someone to stand over them watching them sleep with a hand on their head blessing them. I, of course, hope that some of these children do get this in their homes.

All these children are orphaned or vulnerable children (OVC) which breaks my heart, they likely don’t know how much God adores them. They have all either lost a mom, a dad, or both. I don’t know what that would be like. I can’t imagine it.

It makes no sense. The more I experience I am left with more questions than answers. There’s suffering everywhere I look. There’s hurting and heartache. It’s really aweful BUT I praise God that in my obedience to be back here with Nede I do have moments like the other day when I sang “I love Nede!” and I heard in return, “I love Sista Dar-da!”  And when we pray when she’s in bed at night she often puts her little hand on the top of my head and jabbers on in prayer for quite some time. Sheesh, those moments are worth more than anything I can imagine.

I bet God wishes all of us could experience something so real—for ALL of His children, young and old.

Travis, Bees and a Plunger

I wish someone could tell me who Travis is.

It made me laugh when one of the guys came to the office one day wearing a new navy blue fleece with the name “Travis” embroidered on the right chest. I always find it humorous when someone wears a shirt, obviously intended for someone else. What’s even funnier is that Timosse isn’t the only one with this “Travis” shirt. I have now been noticing it EVERY where! “Travis” is at the market, “Travis” is at the office, “Travis” is at Shoprite, I passed “Travis” on the road, “Travis” is in Beira. Really, “Travis” is everywhere. The same navy blue fleece with a yellow sailboat. “Travis”.

I wish someone could tell me who “Travis” is and why he ever needed so many fleeces!

*

Bees!! I returned home from Chimoio to a lovely hum of a bazillion bees entering my roof and house, again! There’s a hole between the roof and exterior of the wall and apparently this seems like a nice place to call home!!! They aren’t welcome! I tried Carlos’s smoke technique, with little success. I used almost a whole can of “Doom Super (Deadly Killing Action)”—little success. I even parked the truck as close to the house as possible and then stood on the top of the truck to try to reach as close to the hole to spray the Doom. Finally the sun went down and they settled in, TO The HOLE! EESH, we’ll see what tomorrow brings!

*

I simply wanted to by a PLUNGER in town today. Our toilet is working ok but it doesn’t seem to have the oomph that it used to have so I’ve been thinking something was clogging it a bit. So, in Chimoio today I thought I would try to buy a plunger at Shoprite. As I looked I started to think about how a plunger probably isn’t that common here. Of course some people have flushing toilets but most don’t. To my delight Shoprite did have a plunger which I bought without hesitation. Well, after I fought the bees off for awhile I thought I would give it a whirl! WELL, I had no idea that a plunger could work SO terribly. It formed NO seal around the area it was supposed to plunge. I hopefully continued to try to “plunge” thinking it could “grab” a grip somewhere in the plunging action. NOPE, it actually wrinkled and inverted almost clogged the toilet itself! I surely never knew that there could be such a terrible plunger.

There’s always something.

Travis.

Bees.

Plungers.

a couple photos

Is she not beautiful??? Sheesh…I couldn’t get the little stinker to stop praying this morning to eat her breakfast! What a great “problem.”I’m trying to learn how to manage her hair! It’ll be  a process. :)

is this it?

I wonder how many times I have sung worship songs like—Lord, I give you my all. Take my life. All to Jesus I surrender. You are all that I need. You are my all in all. Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus. Praise you in the storm. He gives and takes away…the list could go on.

I have sung, seemingly from the heart, many songs about how I would do anything for the Lord. I have said prayerfully that I would sacrifice EVERYTHING, surrendering it all to be in the midst of God’s will. It was pretty easy for me to sing those things when I was comfortable at Highlands church in Scottsdale or at Campus Crusade while in college surround by lots of fun-loving peers. The words have been pretty simple when I’m surrounded by family and friends which is often where I draw my strength. I sure feel willing when I am comfortable.

Now? Now I feel I am starring at the very words that I have sung. I’m now wondering if this is what I was agreeing to then. I thought they were from my heart all those times but now I wonder where that strength has gone. I sort of feel like I a hypocrite. Now, when my life is harder than it’s ever been, I feel alone, tired, frustrated, scared, overwhelmed, confused, burdened. Not knowing what to do with myself I now think back to all these songs I sing knowing that this is it. This is the time to do what I used to just sing about. And do I have it in me to do just that? To give it all up. To surrender to a plan that is completely out of my control. Will I really accept whatever the outcome may be? Will I really give up all “my” plans for what the Lord has for me? Surrender and sacrifice. For the first time, I am trying to understand their meanings and am wrestling with living them out in my life. I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I knew what I was saying/singing before. I don’t know. I have doubts, many of them. I guess it’s good to leave the church (the physical building) and start to BE the church where I am. It’s more than a building isn’t it? This may be what it means to be a Christian. Perhaps I am now understanding the practicalities of what it means to be called by Christ. It’s not easy but there’s a verse that says, “When I am weak then He is strong.” Lord, I am giving you lots of room to be my strength! I’m learning it’s a journey and there’s lots of grace along the way. I’ll keep staggering on drawing on with those words I’ve recited many times.