confused again

Today, I sat under this tree...

Talking with a few men and these women...

 

And we visited these houses...

 And this is a bit of what we talked about today.

-If someone living with HIV has 40 meticais ($1.40) they're going to choose to buy food with it and not use it to go the 15 km to the hospital once a month to get their antiretrovirals (the very medicine that can save/prolong their life). Food will always win over medication.

-The land is so dry that the people are suffering from lack of water. Their livestock, if they have it, is suffering. They're not bathing, they're not washing their clothes, they're not drinking enough. They don't have water. A simple conversation and a little leadership led to calling a community meeting for next Thursday to have the community come together to build a dam so when the rains start they can have a reservoir of water.

And this is all just after I shared on John 10:10-- Jesus came for abundant life. I wonder what those people were really thinking when I shared on this. Because, what really do I know about the struggles in their lives? Nothing. Not one single thing.

I also told them what an honor it was to be here walking in their community with them. And that's true and that's part of what makes my life abundant. This shows me truth, the reality of the world we live in. And through this I GET to walk along side these people I am growing to love. I can't fix their situations but I can walk beside them. And that's what I'll do...

And then I get to come home and walk through life with this one...

And I wonder, how did this world end up like this? We must not settle for the theft, death and destruction. 

The theft comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10

And these days make me exhausted. 

Taking it all in, 

wondering what to do,

praying for wisdom and strength to go on.

Rejoicing in getting to be here.

Longing to not,

and wondering where I'll ever fit. 

full life comes full circle

Last week, while Nede was on school holiday, I didn't have a place for her to go on one of the days I usually go to the clinic. I was talking to Nede about our options. I mentioned this, I mentioned that and she said, "Mom, I can go with and help at the clinic, I can be the one who passes out the cookies?"
"Oh, that's a great idea Nede."
The next day we did just that. And it was amazing. Nede did so well for being expected to stay inside a small building, passing out cookies and staying quiet for 5 hours. But she was much more than the best cookie passer outer the clinic has ever seen.
As I sat there watching Nede lovingly give cookies to babies and watching in concern at the sick ones, it was much more to me. It was eternally beautiful. It was John 10:10 coming full-circle, 

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.


At one point in Nede's young life her destiny was just that...full of theft, murder and destruction. But through the vision of the very baby clinic where Nede now gives back, her destany is full of life. Yes, her little life is still unfolding but it is abundant. And my greatest dream for her is that she'll desire to live her life in a way that matters. Tonight when she asked me why Mono Jose doesn't go to "our clinic" my soul smiled and I thought, "Yes, Nede! Keep that heart. Keep loving and giving and claiming as yours the ONE who saved you and has given you a beautiful eternal destiny!" 

...Because, we serve and we work because we believe we're called to fight for life and to allow the words of Jesus to come into fruition. He desires life. And not just life, FULL LIFE! And that's what we're here to share.

come. rest.

The first half of this week was hard. Really hard. You may be wondering, does this girl ever not have a hard time? Sometimes I do have good weeks. The second half of this week was good.
The first half of the week I felt like I was faced with my humanity to an extreme I have never experienced before.
One night I lay awake in bed crying out to the Lord, feeling so inadequate. Lately I can't believe how I act at times. The words I say, the thoughts I have, even my temper when someone does something I don't like.
I'm short to anger.
I'm quick to speak.
I'm tired and I snap.
I'm so not cut out for this place right now.
And then I vented to a friend and she said "you are so human!" You are facing your humanity and Jesus knew just what it was like.
And I apologized. And I begged God for mercy and more grace. And the day after I thought I didn't know how I could go on, but I did. I got up, I dressed myself, I cared for my daughter, we smiled and we laughed and the week turned around. It ended well. Not because anything changed with me. Not because I was more patient, it must have simply been because He held me and He assured my soul that "I am human" and where I am and what I'm doing is hard! Very, very hard. But He's walked out the last few days close to me. I don't feel Him and I don't often see Him but I know this MUST be Him because in my humanity I screw up. I lose it and I can't get out of bed. But I have been, for over two and a half long years He's sustained me. I'll keep going, living each day for the day and learning what that means to be enough, hating my humanity and longing for that holy place. That place of constant praise and thanksgiving. And I know Jesus knows my deepest desires, my desires to be closest to Him. And, because I'm human, I just keep on trying.
Even as I google about bedbugs and fleas tonight (seriously, these are the things that make me crazy and on the brink of nuts!) I say "Lord, more grace and floods of mercy for each moment." Because I can't even decide if I want to lay down in my bed tonight but I know I must rest-- rest in Him and keep allowing Him to teach me what it means to be human striving to live in unity with a Holy, perfect God. But first of all I am human and Jesus says, "I know, I know Dear One. Come. Rest."

encouraging words

I was so encouraged by these words before going to bed last night:
Here is my servant!

 I have made him strong.
He is my chosen one;
    I am pleased with him.
I have given him my Spirit,
and he will bring justice
    to the nations.
 He won’t shout or yell
    or call out in the streets.
 He won’t break off a bent reed
    or put out a dying flame,
but he will make sure
    that justice is done.
 He won’t quit or give up
until he brings justice
    everywhere on earth,
and people in foreign nations
    long for his teaching.

 I am the Lord God.
I created the heavens
    like an open tent above.
I made the earth and everything
    that grows on it.
I am the source of life
for all who live on this earth,
    so listen to what I say.
 I chose you to bring justice,
    and I am here at your side.
I selected and sent you
    to bring light
and my promise of hope
    to the nations.
 You will give sight
    to the blind;
you will set prisoners free
    from dark dungeons.

Isaiah 42:1-7

holiday + tired = prayer

Nede's on school holiday-- for 5 weeks. It's during these times that I miss libraries, parks, daycare, friends, museums. I've tried to be creative but it was getting a bit long being behind our walls and in our house. So, we got in the car and trekked about 500 km or 300 miles (about 9 hours!) through potholes that about shook us to pieces, waited at police stops and slid through sand on a 100 km road that takes 3 hours to maneuver.  But when we got there, (finally!) these smiles awaited us...

And they played from sun-up to sundown...

And I got much joy from looking at these 3 who have been saved, by grace, and now hear about Jesus and have mommy's that love them to pieces and would do anything to fight for them.

In a nation where this sits in my friends backyard... 

I need this face and these puffball hair-dos to keep me going...

Because, I'm tired. And I need YOU to pray for me to have strength to endure.

weaving my tapestry

Several times I have thought of my life as a tapestry. A woven treasure with different people making it a divine piece of art. Each person adds something different to my life, sharing their colors at the perfect time in different places. Some people have been steadfast friends for years and years. Others have been more sporatic, coming and going in my life as time and the course of life obliges causing a dotted effect, adding to the beauty. There have been some that are long and steady threads that saw me through some of the hardest times, but time with them was always my most joyous. There are others that I was blessed to walk along side while they went through challenging times. Still there are others that walked with me for very brief periods but their impact on me was a bold color that still lights up my life upon reflection. Of course there's my family, immediate and extended, that are steady-- not always frequent encounters but always there, always praying, always in my heart. And then there's the Nede thread that I never went looking for but now is of utmost influence. It may have started off as a gentle pastel but is now growing breadth and radiance as she grows and influences my life more and more with each passing day.
Now, since living in Mozambique, the threads are often shorter-- the daily encounters are concentrated in shorter periods of time as often occurs in a transient environment of the expatriot world. So far, some of these relationships have been of utmost importance to me and my little family here. Nede and I have had some of the most incredible people walking with us through some quite difficult times.

Even though some threads seem to be changing directions and even feel to be off my tapestry, the impact they've made in strengthening the fibers of my being will never disappear. It seems if I were to construct this tapesty today, there would be a fade of color, not that the relationships are gone, they're just more out of touch, the shades are growing fainter as the distance takes away from the vibrancy of the art.

As much as I hate these times of change and adjustment I do stand in awe-- in awe of the support and love that I've had around me in so many different times and places of life. The number of deep, cherished relationships that I have in my life are of most worthy praise and gratitude.  

Of course there are a few fibers that I wish I could change in my tapestry-- relationships that I wish I had handled differently, relationships that had to end or change because of distance and heart issues, I wish they  were still adding to the design. I guess this may be part of the beauty though-- living and learning, allowing myself to be changed by each perfect weave. 

I suppose one day I'll be able to illustrated this in a more tangible way. I hope I can because the number of beautiful threads that pour into me is one incredible rainbow. And now, in a time of gray, I pray for that sunny spring day to come where more colors will enter my life and walk with me continuing to color and creating a dramatic tapestry that helps to construct me.
Dear friends who have come and gone, thanks for pouring into me. Thanks for loving me, believing in me, walking with me, drying my tears and encouraging me to keep on keeping on. Your rays of love paint my sky with hope. WE LOVE YOU!