I Turn Forty This Week

I'll be turning 40 this week.
I can hardly believe it.
Maybe it's because I remember when my parents did,
and I felt I never would.
I've been dreading it,
for unknown reasons.

I feel like a lot has happened in my 40 years.
I've lived a life-time within these 40  short years.
I've learned a lot.

I've learned choosing to be obedient can lead to the BEST, but
hardest life one could imagine.
I've been blessed with many great friends,
one became the best,
and I lost her to death.
Divorce has torn apart deep friendships that I cherished deeply.
I've learned life is hard.

I've learned I don't actually like running, but I can't not do it (okay...occasionally)
because it helps make me feel my best.
I've given bits of my heart to many people in many corners of the world.
And, I feel that.
There are holes where there have been difficult good-byes.
While this has made my life richer,
it also, at times, makes the isolation and loneliness that much further.

I've had the opportunity to live in one of the richest cities.
I've also lived in the poorest.
I've helped the sick in the world's best hospital,
And, I've helped with nothing, and no hospital.
This has revealed royal treatment
and absolutely inhumane treatment.
This leaves me baffled and wondering how one life,
one 40 years,
can experience this stark contrast.

I've received better gifts (from the Lord) than I ever dreamed I would.
I've also wondered why He's withheld others.
I've walked closer, and experienced the Lord more deeply, than I ever imagined possible.
I've also wondered if He's absolutely abandoned me.

I've learned that art heals my soul deeper than anything else.
I've loved people who have never felt love before.
Many times, I've not gotten this love in return.
I've experienced better love than I ever dreamed of.
I've emptied myself out and await to be refilled.
I've learned good-byes never get easier.
And most hellos couldn't be more wonderful.

I've learned to hate the fake of social media
And long for authentic friendships.
I've learned, through music, I can feel bonded to people I'll never know personally.
Even so, they walk me through dark valleys and see me through to the other side.
I've learned it's still okay to cuddle a stuffed pig called Piggy Piggy,
and not be embarrassed.

I've learned that no matter what, life will probably beat me up.
The decision is with me, how long I stay down.
I've learned that hope deferred truly does make the heart sick.
But, at the end of it all, I do still know one thing,
HE IS WORTHY, and at the center of all I'm learning,
I still believe,
eventually,
a longing fulfilled will be a tree of life.