I sit down to write in an attempt to process my own struggles, an attempt to make sense of all that goes on in my head in a day. All that is considered, momentarily, before every thought is interrupted by a squeaky voice needing yet another tangerine or singing, “I’ve got peace like a liver” (still working on pronouncing r’s).
I’ve been thinking a lot about love in the recent weeks and months. Love. I never really gave it much thought before. It’s never been very hard for me to do. I actually recall several times in my life where I’ve thought, and prayed, that I wish I didn’t love so easily. It sounds silly now when I think about it, it’s not as if I love so well. It seems that the way I wear my heart on my sleeve opens my heart up to vulnerability that at times, when I’ve been hurt, I have wished that I had had a stronger guard on my heart. But, I like to love. I like to have a crush and I like to dream of what it’ll be like to find my “true love”. I love to watch “chick flicks” that (I admit) give me a terribly warped idea or what love really is. I like to take care of people. I like to express the emotions of my heart. I like to find ways to show that I love.
Through some years of struggle and wrestling with discontentment I’ve learned that I have a lot of love to give and I require a lot of love in return. This is how God has wired me.
I like to love.
I like to love most when it’s easy.
I’m grateful I’ve never had to learn a terribly hard lesson of difficult love. Sure I’ve been annoyed. Sure I’ve been hurt. Sure I’ve screwed up and hurt others. But overall, I’ve just skated through life having plenty to love and receiving that plenty I need in return. I’ve been blessed with a loving family. I’ve never been abused or mistreated. I’ve never been highly rejected or alone. I’ve always known I am loved and I’ve most always enjoyed showing others how I love them.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure I’ve blown it many times. I’ve missed plenty of opportunities to love and I have probably dealt with many things immaturely and given up on love.
In my recent reflection on love the words of Jesus keep ringing in my ears, “love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven.” Matthew 5:44 And verse 46 reads: “if you love only those who love you, what good is that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much. If you are kind only to your friends, how are you different from anyone else? Even pagans do that. But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect.”
I like to love when it’s easy. I like to love my family and my friends. I like to (and feel I know how to) love people who speak the same language as me and I like to love people who are a part of a culture that I can relate to. I like to love when I don’t have malaria and when I’m not overly tired. I like to love when people don’t drive ridiculously around me and I like to love when you see me for more than my skin color.
It seems lately, if the above stated categories don’t match then, “I’m sorry. The circumstances aren’t working out and you’re a bit too difficult for me to love at the moment. Please return when I’ve reached this perfection that I’m striving for because right now, I’m just like everyone else.”
Lately I’ve been given some opportunities to practice loving when it’s not easy. I hate it. I hate that it’s hard for me to love. I hate thinking about something else that is difficult and I hate trying to learn a hard lesson. I hate that I don’t even know how to love. But, it’s good for me to be out of my bubble of easy loving. It’s good for me to think about all this and I’m challenged as I walk through this Refiner’s Fire.
It seems I agree with Jesus, Woody and the poets. It does seem like love is the only answer. So, until we’ve fulfilled our calling to perfection, I’ll keep praying for the insight and heart to love ESPECIALLY when it’s difficult.
(I better stop. I somehow just ate 13 of my treasured 36 crispy mint “Chocola’s”, specially delivered from South Africa!)
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