kumbaya

I've been thinking about different seasons in my life. Reminiscing about times when I've prayed and sang different songs. Songs I used to sing when I went to the little church situated among the pines. Songs I sang in the church connected to the mall. Songs I sang at the million dollar church in the desert. Songs I sang more recently as a stranger to a new church in St Paul. There are also countless memories and songs I sang while driving in the car. Driving across the desert belting out, " If You ask me to run,  And carry Your light into foreign land, If You ask me to fight, Deliver Your people from Satan's hand" I'll go...

I remember laying on my Arizona living room floor crying to the words of the song "God of Justice."

I all to well remember aching where I was and aching for where I wanted to be. It seems I'm doing the same now. Aching where I am, aching for where I would like to be. 

If I can be blatantly honest, and why not because God already knows, I question myself if right now I would honestly be able to sing out, "I surrender all" with a pure heart, before the Lord. Over the last months I have said to the Lord, "If I knew it was going to be this hard I won't have come back God." Sitting in a church pew singing sacrificial songs was a lot easier. Learning to give up my life for another-- Nede yes, but ultimately Jesus-- is a lot harder than I wish it were. 

I miss a comfortable couch. I miss multitudes of family and friends available on the other end of my cell phone or waiting at the nearest Starbucks. I miss hugs from those who love me most. I miss comfort and I miss a language I understand. I'm terribly homesick (and I plead for prayers to find a way for Nede and I to be able to go home sometime). 

All of this said, in vulnerable honesty, I have to keep convincing myself that it's worth it, and I know that it is. As I held Nede tonight, contemplating the origin of her fever-- malaria or another bug? I thought about where she would be if I weren't here. Then  I thought about all the other kids out there that don't get held when their temperature is elevated. I thought about how I still want my mom to hold me when I have a fever. 

And then, I sent Nede to brush her teeth to soon find this...

I was then reminded that I WANT to want to "surrender all." I WANT to want to "go where He asks me to go." I WANT to give up my life more willingly. I WANT to praise Him in every difficult, perfect situation He puts me in.
My soul resonates with my five year olds Kumbaya. Lord, we're calling. Lord, we're praying. Lord, we're singing. Lord, we're dancing. COME BY HERE!

(All of this said, do not worry. It's a glimpse of where I am, what I've gone through and am working through in my own heart. This is what God is doing in me, writing my story...)