monrovia, liberia, 2007

I’m reading a book right now about a families experience with adoption.

As I read tonight I was taken back to a place in my memory that I haven’t visited in a long time.

Monrovia, Liberia, 2007. I was there being a nurse but nursing did not facilitate my life change. This came on my day off. This particular day I chose to visit an orphanage.

It’s still fresh in my mind. Too fresh almost. I went with a group. That part I don’t remember well. What I remember is that I was somehow left along in a room. Well, not alone. I was alone with babies/children. That was exactly where I didn’t want to be at the time, alone with crying, orphaned children. What I particularly hate about this memory is that I didn’t want to hold that one child. I can still see her sitting there. I wanted to not see her. I didn’t even want to touch her. I was extremely uncomfortable with her physical appearance. Her pencil-thin limbs surely could not support her body and, although not certain, I am sure she was far older than I would have pegged her. I remember thinking/hearing/knowing/feeling (whatever that was), “Dara, that is the very child you NEED to hold. You need to love that ONE!”

I responded. I went and held that child on my lap, against every desire of my own, I did it anyway. I sat, uncomfortable, holding this smelly child whose abdomen was enormous and her affect was flat. She lacked any spark of life, hope or fight. It was hard for me to show love to this child. Because I couldn’t do anything to change the situation I would have rather not been exposed to it. I felt to helpless.

I only held that child because I knew God wanted me to, because I KNEW HE adored her. He loved her and I was supposed to also.

Fast forward a few months and I was back in my bed in my Arizona apartment and I woke from dreams numerous nights in a panic. I would find myself sitting up in bed anxiously thinking, “Who’s holding the children? Who’s loving the orphaned?”

Now that I think about it tonight, that’s part of what started this all.

I have no idea whatever became of that child. I never even knew her name but she and her environment is etched in my mind.

I knew then and I know now that because HE loves them, I need to too.