aspirations

"Mom, when I grow up I want to be a doctor and a princess."

a husband

Last night Nede and I read the Creation story in her new Children's Message Bible.
We discussed it and tonight at dinner she said,
"Mom, why don't we just take out a bone (as if to grab one of her ribs) and make a husband?"

i wanted to be like dad

I'm always surprised by the things that Nede is teaching me.
Today was another one.
I've just recently got the courage and motivation to start exercising more. I've found a safe place to run and have remembered how much I do have a passion for it.
Because Nede has heard me say that I go running after I drop her off at school she's been asking to go with me.
"Mommy, after my nap can we do running?"
"Oh, Nede it's so hot after your nap!"
"Hot doesn't matter."
"We'll see."
Well, today when she woke up there was an obvious storm rolling in and, with Nede's fear of storms, I knew going too far from the house was not an option.
"Why don't we just jump rope for exercise today Nede? It's going to rain."
"Okay. But I don't have running clothes?"
"Oh, yes you do. You can use any shorts and a tank top."
"But I don't have like you."
"Oh, yes, how about these shorts, this tank top? Look it's similar to mine. And put on your socks and shoes."
"Look Mom these socks are short like yours!"
Off we went to jump rope. Nede soon got tired and started running laps around the yard. "Look how fast I am Mom." (She really is fast, I think and has quite the endurance.) The we did go outside our fence and ran around the neighborhood for quite awhile.
I started thinking. WOW! Just because this is something she knows I do and enjoy she is SO interested in it! Is that where my desire for running came from? Well, YES! I wanted to be like my dad. Of course I did. I learned much from my dad. A whole lot more than just pacing myself. I learned stick-to-it-ness, I learned about positive thinking, I learned about the power of positive thinking, I learned discipline, I learned to push through the pain, I learned to not give up, I learned to fight, I learned the benefits of caring for my body, I learned that hard work pays off, I learned to work as a team, I learn to encourage, I learned to set goals, I learned that little that is worth it, comes easily.
Hmm...it seems all these things that I learned as I admired my dad are coming in handy now. Before I returned to Mozambique I remember a dear friend saying to me (although I didn't really want to hear it), "Dara, I think that you have to go as if you're prepared to run a marathon."
I'm now brought back to more words from my dad from when I ran my marathon, "At mile 22 you may hit the wall and it may feel like you're starting over, the last 4 miles may feel as difficult as the first 22."
Again, how right he was.
I am running another marathon. I may have hit the wall hard but I'm still going. I can't give up. And boy, is it going to be worth it.
And all from wanting to be like Dad-- a pair of running shoes and Dad.
I'm still putting on those shoes and wanting to be like you, Dad. Thanks for teaching me more than how to run!

birthday

The last three days have been filled with blessing. There has been so much excitement and energy around this house that I wouldn't doubt if you felt it from where you're sitting. Today was Nede's 6th birthday. This girl has been singing "Happy Birthday" to herself in the bathtub for the past 360 days. When it came her time to sing how old she was, she was ready!  Again, I have these emotions that I continually am shocked by, I don't anticipated them and they grab me out of nowhere! Yesterday was another, when she sat in front of about 20 of our friends and her little voice sang, "I'm 6 years old now, I'm 6 years old now, I'm 6 years old now, my friends, I'm 6 years old now" I was stinking proud of her. This child who a year and a half ago I was worried about because she was not talking and withdrawn, now exuberates confidence, has a heart of compassion and as we were getting ready for bed this evening she sincerely said to me, "Mommy, thanks for my presents." 

I'm not sure whose life has changed more since 2008 when I first met this little girl in a ragged yellow dress. 

One of the highlights of the party yesterday was when this little girl confidently (and innocently) stuck her donkey tail on another girls party hat!! She was so determined that I couldn't even get her facing in the right direction.

Nede's biggest disappointment of the weekend may have been that the wings of her "pharaoh" (confusion with "fairy") dress don't actually make her fly.

If there was some sort of meter to measure the happiness of a child, Nede would be off the charts! My prayer for Nede's life is the promise that Jesus gave when he said,  "I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of." (John 10:10, The Message). 

It's no wonder Jesus also says to be more like these little ones. How much different would my life look if I lived in the now and didn't worry? Finally, as Dr Seuss says from one of the gifts Nede received, 

From sun in the summer,

From rain when it's fall-ish,

I'm going to protect them, 

No matter how small-ish!

Amen Dr! 

If I Give to You My Love

I don't think I totally understand this song but I think it's how I want to live. I'm sure it's what I believe. I'm confident it's what I'm called to. I struggle with it. I share the song with you because... I think it's beautiful.

Thank you Kate Hurley for giving me something to cry out.

we, we're dying like the chickens

I started writing this last week sometime and never finished it. Mainly because I didn't know how to. Here's what I had written and I'll try to conclude it after the happenings of the last few days. I still don't know how to properly conclude it 'cause I'm one confused girl, in one difficult place:

I had a conversation with one of my guards today. As per the usual news, someones baby had died. My guard explained it as a "bad spirit". When I inquired more he said, "Senhora! The baby was fine one day and died the next! That's not a bad spirit?"
I don't know what it is but I know that it's one of the many things that makes Mozambique so difficult.
Our conversation then moved to the population that is dying from malaria, and then I brought up the words that I've never heard my guards speak, HIV.
"OH SENHORA! HIV!"
Then he said it, "We, we're dying like the chickens."
I didn't really understand this analogy at first so I brought it up later. "What do you mean you're dying like the chickens?"
I still don't understand completely but the gist of it is that people go buy, or raise, a chicken with the sole purpose to kill and enjoy. The life of a chicken is short-lived and not valued.
I see what he means. Human life, like the chickens, is held quite loosely too. A death is usual conversation.
My guard also shared of a woman who was hit with a car just by my house. She, the baby on her back and the young child in her hand, dead.
Three more, gone.


This is where I ended because I didn't know what to say next. And then, on Friday evening we had a bad hail and wind storm. Thankfully I and 2 friends were safe in my huge concrete house. And, though it leaks like a sieve and a window got cracked and a number of other things were damaged, we weren't in danger. My house isn't made of mud with a grass roof. I don't have tin sheets of metal moderately secured as my roof that could fly off and detach someones arm (apparently that happened). I wasn't walking with my baby on my back in the market with no place to get away from the pelting hail which would bring both to their death (apparently that happened too).

I still don't know how to end this message. I write out of my own confusion sometimes. What I don't get is  why is it okay that so many die around the world to things like AIDS and malaria? Why, for 28 years of my life, did I not know about this? I didn't even know to care. They don't show this on the news in America do they? Not often, that's for sure. It makes me crazy that just because we in America aren't "dying like the chickens" that we ignore this, or are too afraid to face it and make it personal.

I may sound angry but I am, I'm mad at HIV and mosquitoes and the lack of the worlds response. This isn't how it's suppose to be. This isn't what the Church is supposed to be doing. We're called to more, much more.

It makes me sad that my guard compares the value of his life to that of a chicken. He's worth more. They all are.

child development

Since taking in a child at 4 years old I've obviously missed observing a number of steps in child development (and my mind is a little groggy in recalling nursing 211). I often find myself wondering if what Nede is doing or how she is acting is appropriate for her age and development. I'm often fascinated. Below is an example. Nede has tried jumping rope periodically and then, all of the sudden, she's doing it. It seems a bit manic if you ask me! Is this normal? 

tonight my light melted on my wall

Tonight when I went into our bedroom to get Nede ready for bed, after a bit of tickling and out of control giggling, I smelled something. As if something was burning. I was quickly led to the light that I had clipped to a nail above my bed. During Nede’s nap time today I had tucked the mosquito net on the light to keep it out of our faces. Not such a great idea. This evening Nede had gone into the room and switched on this light to find her pajamas, as she does every night. I still don’t quite get it but, whatever happened it’s not good, the lightbulb obviously was too hot or the electricity was too strong and the plastic of this clip on lamp had melted, a lot. I’m afraid it was only a matter of minutes more before the mozie net would have gone up in flames. I’m told that none of the electricity is “grounded” in this house and, apparently that’s not good, I’m learning that it sure isn’t! None the less we’re praising God tonight that this story didn’t turn out worse. If you’re now wondering how I survive on my own out here-- there’s only one word to explain it. Grace.

3 years ago

I remember you so young, 
so frail.
So broken,
inside
and out. 


You shattered me like none other.
But the heartache you experienced was like nothing I'll ever,
in your 20 young years.


I saw you in the death of an elderly American.
I turn my head to the lives of young Mozambicans.
Your suffering can never be 

                             changed.

I heave at the INJUSTICE. 


Your legacy is held in one beautiful child.
One strong child.
His precious ONE. 


We're fighting for life here.
Abundant life.
Her's WILL BE different.
Her's IS.


I'm sorry yours wasn't.


I'll kept fighting.
Because His grace is sufficient.
I pray.

she are!

Nede: “Mom, are you sad?”

Me: “Why do you ask?”

Nede: “I’m just asking, Mom, are you sad?”

Me: “Yes, Nede I’m a little sad today.”

Nede: “Why?”

Me: “Well, I wish I felt like Jesus was a little closer to me.”

Nede: “He is. He lives in your heart.”

Me: “You’re right Nede. You’re right. But, do you ever just wish that you could feel a hug from Jesus?”

Nede: “But She are. She is hugging your heart!”

Me: “You’re right Nede. He is!”

xoxo