i don't accept this

Yesterday when I was driving through the chaos to pick Nede up from school I couldn't believe how normal it seemed. Between the people selling bras and bananas, juice mix and junk, bicycles, reckless drivers, walkers, wandering children and the familiar "crazy people", I can't believe I no longer have heart palpation's and, that once familiar, fear of this place. I remembered when I hated coming to Chimoio and I usually let Laura drive because I preferred not to. Now it's just normal, I peacefully maneuver my way through the confusion several times a day. This has become my normal.

What hasn't become normal is the negligence of human life. Yesterday at the clinic I saw a young mom with her 7 month old baby weighing in at 3.5kg (7.7 lbs). The child's skin hung on her petite bones. Her mouth, covered in white yeast, was one of the causes of her wailing when I tried to give her her milk that she so desperately needed. The mother had done nothing that we had asked her to do the week prior. As a result, this peanut lost 200gms. I felt infuriated. I used to think the natural thing was to fight for life-- to try to care for a human being. This women lacked the will to fight and the desire to try. I spoke and I explained. I asked her to please go immediately to the hospital. I wasn't convinced she was going to go. I gave her money for transport so that couldn't be the excuse to keep her a way. But the whole situation was still unsettling within me. Thankfully, when I went to leave shortly after this, I saw her. I stopped my car and got her in-- I would drive her to the hospital door myself. I want that baby to live!

I don't know if the hospital admitted her. I pray they did.

I've been wrestling with this all too common scenario. I'm sure it all comes back to my world view and how different it is growing up in America. We have NICU's and PICU's and ICU's and ambulances that are actually available and hospitals that have supplies and we can get medications without bribing the nurses and we get treatment relatively easily. From my earliest years, I knew my parents would do everything they could to keep me healthy and well. They straightened my feet and straightened my teeth! They taught me that my life was valuable and I now know that it is.

Suppose they hadn't done these things for me? Suppose their parents had died in a brutal civil war and they were taught nothing? Suppose they were infected with a virus that they didn't understand and were shamed and outcasted because they had the ugly 3-letter taboo? I guess had I grown up in these circumstances EVERYTHING would have been different. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G!

So...with that recognized, I can expect that this is the mentality but I will NOT ACCEPT it. But how do I do anything different? How do we influence a culture? How do we, as children of a loving God, help to teach the value of a life?

I'm wrestling with this. I never want this part of my life to feel normal. Sometimes I'm scared though, because sometimes I find myself just wanting to accept that "this is how things are here". I didn't accept this for my daughter and I don't want to accept it for anyone else's.

At the end of the day, all I know is that I don't know, but He does. And He hates injustice.

And...I don't even know how to end this blog...as I remember the screaming baby I held yesterday I don't know what conclusion to come up with. I just don't understand. Really, I'm glad I don't have to, I just pray...

Lord, give us wisdom for each day...

a prayer for adoption

Today I've been reading my book of Common Prayer: A liturgy for ordinary radicals, by Shane Claiborne and others, and I came across this prayer. Will you pray it with me?

A Prayer for Adoption

Generous and divine trinity,

we give thanks for the presence of our holy brothers and sisters.

We give thanks that you created the world,

though it turned from your ways.

We give thanks that you began a people to bless this world,

though it did not always bless.

We give thanks, with greatest reverence,

for the gift of your Son, Jesus Christ,

who indeed blessed the world.

Thanks be to you for the signs and glory of the Lamb of God. 

In him, we are all adopted children of God.

We are brought into the divine redemption,

which now subsists in each embrace,

each extension of love.

Each sacrament,

each kiss and act of service.

May the adoption of this beloved child Nede be blessed.

Almighty God, you adopted your people in Egypt,

and they came out into the wilderness to pitch a tent.

May we the family of this beloved child enjoy the presence of God in the tent of life together

as we look toward the pillar of fire by day--

a sign of your coming glorious redemption;

and the pillar of cloud by night--

a sign of your presence amid our trials and darkness.

In Christ, the Son of God,

there is neither adoptive nor natural parents and children. 

We are all born again in the Spirit of God.

This Spirit redeems us with the substance of faith, hope, and love.

May this child be blessed by the mysterious presence, mercy, and grace of the Trinity,

Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

Amen 

3 things that make me smile and 1 unusual moment of gratitude

#1: Yesterday Nede and I were bent over the tub washing some bedding and Nede said, "Wow! Look at this, 2 people washing. One Mozambican and one American! Wow!"

***

#2: This morning while Nede was eating breakfast I was reading Psalm 40 out loud. When I read "...the Lord is thinking about me right now." She said, "That's not true, he's always thinking about us. That book is wrong!"

***

#3: Two fresh strawberries from our garden!

***

 #1: Last night when I took Nede to the toilet at about 10pm I was changing her sheets when I found this, was live, scorpion INSIDE her mosquito net. That's the first time I've ever been grateful I had to change her bed in the night!

dinner for a 6 year old?

I love my girl and that she loves a colorful dinner like we ate tonight-- butternut squash soup and buttered beets...

...she loves it! 

photos of the day

Here's a brief snapshot of my day:

Beautiful hands of a generous, most compassionate German nurse friend, a hardworking mother and her 2 month old, 1.4kg (3.08#) baby. 

Me giving a cuddle to a healthy baby.

Burning season. A fire as I drove home from the clinic--typical destruction this time of year. 

Nede hitching a ride (sweet talking) our guard into giving her a ride on his bike. 

And, saying of the day:

"Nede, how'd I get so lucky to have such a great girl?"

"Oh, Mom, God helped you."

confused again

Today, I sat under this tree...

Talking with a few men and these women...

 

And we visited these houses...

 And this is a bit of what we talked about today.

-If someone living with HIV has 40 meticais ($1.40) they're going to choose to buy food with it and not use it to go the 15 km to the hospital once a month to get their antiretrovirals (the very medicine that can save/prolong their life). Food will always win over medication.

-The land is so dry that the people are suffering from lack of water. Their livestock, if they have it, is suffering. They're not bathing, they're not washing their clothes, they're not drinking enough. They don't have water. A simple conversation and a little leadership led to calling a community meeting for next Thursday to have the community come together to build a dam so when the rains start they can have a reservoir of water.

And this is all just after I shared on John 10:10-- Jesus came for abundant life. I wonder what those people were really thinking when I shared on this. Because, what really do I know about the struggles in their lives? Nothing. Not one single thing.

I also told them what an honor it was to be here walking in their community with them. And that's true and that's part of what makes my life abundant. This shows me truth, the reality of the world we live in. And through this I GET to walk along side these people I am growing to love. I can't fix their situations but I can walk beside them. And that's what I'll do...

And then I get to come home and walk through life with this one...

And I wonder, how did this world end up like this? We must not settle for the theft, death and destruction. 

The theft comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10

And these days make me exhausted. 

Taking it all in, 

wondering what to do,

praying for wisdom and strength to go on.

Rejoicing in getting to be here.

Longing to not,

and wondering where I'll ever fit. 

full life comes full circle

Last week, while Nede was on school holiday, I didn't have a place for her to go on one of the days I usually go to the clinic. I was talking to Nede about our options. I mentioned this, I mentioned that and she said, "Mom, I can go with and help at the clinic, I can be the one who passes out the cookies?"
"Oh, that's a great idea Nede."
The next day we did just that. And it was amazing. Nede did so well for being expected to stay inside a small building, passing out cookies and staying quiet for 5 hours. But she was much more than the best cookie passer outer the clinic has ever seen.
As I sat there watching Nede lovingly give cookies to babies and watching in concern at the sick ones, it was much more to me. It was eternally beautiful. It was John 10:10 coming full-circle, 

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.


At one point in Nede's young life her destiny was just that...full of theft, murder and destruction. But through the vision of the very baby clinic where Nede now gives back, her destany is full of life. Yes, her little life is still unfolding but it is abundant. And my greatest dream for her is that she'll desire to live her life in a way that matters. Tonight when she asked me why Mono Jose doesn't go to "our clinic" my soul smiled and I thought, "Yes, Nede! Keep that heart. Keep loving and giving and claiming as yours the ONE who saved you and has given you a beautiful eternal destiny!" 

...Because, we serve and we work because we believe we're called to fight for life and to allow the words of Jesus to come into fruition. He desires life. And not just life, FULL LIFE! And that's what we're here to share.

come. rest.

The first half of this week was hard. Really hard. You may be wondering, does this girl ever not have a hard time? Sometimes I do have good weeks. The second half of this week was good.
The first half of the week I felt like I was faced with my humanity to an extreme I have never experienced before.
One night I lay awake in bed crying out to the Lord, feeling so inadequate. Lately I can't believe how I act at times. The words I say, the thoughts I have, even my temper when someone does something I don't like.
I'm short to anger.
I'm quick to speak.
I'm tired and I snap.
I'm so not cut out for this place right now.
And then I vented to a friend and she said "you are so human!" You are facing your humanity and Jesus knew just what it was like.
And I apologized. And I begged God for mercy and more grace. And the day after I thought I didn't know how I could go on, but I did. I got up, I dressed myself, I cared for my daughter, we smiled and we laughed and the week turned around. It ended well. Not because anything changed with me. Not because I was more patient, it must have simply been because He held me and He assured my soul that "I am human" and where I am and what I'm doing is hard! Very, very hard. But He's walked out the last few days close to me. I don't feel Him and I don't often see Him but I know this MUST be Him because in my humanity I screw up. I lose it and I can't get out of bed. But I have been, for over two and a half long years He's sustained me. I'll keep going, living each day for the day and learning what that means to be enough, hating my humanity and longing for that holy place. That place of constant praise and thanksgiving. And I know Jesus knows my deepest desires, my desires to be closest to Him. And, because I'm human, I just keep on trying.
Even as I google about bedbugs and fleas tonight (seriously, these are the things that make me crazy and on the brink of nuts!) I say "Lord, more grace and floods of mercy for each moment." Because I can't even decide if I want to lay down in my bed tonight but I know I must rest-- rest in Him and keep allowing Him to teach me what it means to be human striving to live in unity with a Holy, perfect God. But first of all I am human and Jesus says, "I know, I know Dear One. Come. Rest."

encouraging words

I was so encouraged by these words before going to bed last night:
Here is my servant!

 I have made him strong.
He is my chosen one;
    I am pleased with him.
I have given him my Spirit,
and he will bring justice
    to the nations.
 He won’t shout or yell
    or call out in the streets.
 He won’t break off a bent reed
    or put out a dying flame,
but he will make sure
    that justice is done.
 He won’t quit or give up
until he brings justice
    everywhere on earth,
and people in foreign nations
    long for his teaching.

 I am the Lord God.
I created the heavens
    like an open tent above.
I made the earth and everything
    that grows on it.
I am the source of life
for all who live on this earth,
    so listen to what I say.
 I chose you to bring justice,
    and I am here at your side.
I selected and sent you
    to bring light
and my promise of hope
    to the nations.
 You will give sight
    to the blind;
you will set prisoners free
    from dark dungeons.

Isaiah 42:1-7

holiday + tired = prayer

Nede's on school holiday-- for 5 weeks. It's during these times that I miss libraries, parks, daycare, friends, museums. I've tried to be creative but it was getting a bit long being behind our walls and in our house. So, we got in the car and trekked about 500 km or 300 miles (about 9 hours!) through potholes that about shook us to pieces, waited at police stops and slid through sand on a 100 km road that takes 3 hours to maneuver.  But when we got there, (finally!) these smiles awaited us...

And they played from sun-up to sundown...

And I got much joy from looking at these 3 who have been saved, by grace, and now hear about Jesus and have mommy's that love them to pieces and would do anything to fight for them.

In a nation where this sits in my friends backyard... 

I need this face and these puffball hair-dos to keep me going...

Because, I'm tired. And I need YOU to pray for me to have strength to endure.