i want normal when i'm in the miracle

(This is an honest account of what I'm going through right now. Please bear in mind that I'm a messy work in progress. Walk with me and pray.)

I long for normal. I actually crave it.

Last Friday night I was depressed. I longed to be somewhere where I could be going out to dinner with friends or watching a movie with a "big gulp" in hand. What sounds like the perfect day to me is walking around a shopping mall sipping on a hazelnut latte, maybe even 2. I want to see families in the play area, a mom and a dad doting over their children.  I want to take Nede to a park. A park without rusty, sharp edges. I'd like to order food from a restaurant and expect to get what I ordered not just hope for the best. I want to put on high heels and my best jeans and blow dry my hair. I want to drive a car without having to dodge dogs, goats, bicycles, motorbikes, women carrying wood piles on their heads, children dashing across the street, by themselves. I even wish I could get a mosquito bite without thinking, "wonder if I'm going to get malaria. We'll see in 7-10 days." I want a cell phone that I can count on working and friends in town that I can plan a spur of the moment trip to Starbucks with. I want to speak to and see best friends and family that I haven't seen for 2+ years. I want a Chipotle burrito.

Yes, I know the Bible says we're not to be of "this world", we're to be "set apart" not longing for these things-- these meaningless things.

But, I still do.

I want to hear a language I understand completely and to be able to express myself with a larger vocabulary.

Yes, I know, I do know without a doubt that I'm in the center of God's will. I'm where I'm supposed to be. But, who forgot to tell me that this isn't always as glamorous and "feel good" as you think it's going to be when you're saying "Yes" to God with arms raised in a mega church with hundreds of voices crying out to Him? In the night after night of sitting in the now cold, without any heat and just adding more layers, this God adventure doesn't "feel" too happy and warm fuzzy. Yes, yes, I do also know that my feelings aren't where decisions are to be made from nor the source in which truth flows. But many times I ask, "Really? How long? How long will I battle with finding peace, contentment and even joy in this situation?" It seems like if I could ever just "get it" everything would be a lot more manageable.

Yes, it's a miracle I've been sustained-- in all areas of life. It's a miracle things work out when my bank accounts are sucked dry, like the Sahara. It's a miracle.

It's a miracle that I have one amazing kid I've been asked to be responsible for. It's a miracle.

It's a miracle I drive on the left side of the road and it now feels "normal". Miracle.

I function in a Portuguese speaking Nation. Miracle.

I have faced meeting after difficult meeting. Miracle.

Stress. Tears. Loneliness. Heartache. Headaches. Miracle.

Someday's I just plain old don't want to be living the "miracle" any more. I don't want my faith to be stretched so tight that I feel like a rubber band about to be flung across the room with the risk of injuring an innocent bystander.

What choice do I have though? I don't have any other. Because, bigger than ALL I'm feeling and all that's "abnormal", I KNOW this is where I need to be. I KNOW this is the heart of my Father God. I only wish that this could one day start to feel like my "normal". Because if what I want to be "normal" is at the cost of child slavery to get my coffee, sweatshops to get those favorite jeans, wars to fuel my car and ignoring the poor to watch my movie and drink my big gulp, I don't want that either.

I wish I were changing more than I am. Because I still want to go shopping with that latte. A LOT.

I guess the miraculous journey I'm on is just that isn't it? A journey. It's about far more than what I'm doing and more about what He's doing in me. It's a time for me to find ways to give glory to Him, trust Him and rejoice in Him when sometimes it's the last thing I "feel" to do. Life is about the here and now. But that seems to be one of the biggest things that can't cross this great divide between my head and my heart. Because now, if I'm really honest with the world, I don't want this.

I want to be normal.

(The miracle.)

(Applying ice to her forehead post hulahoop accident to the forehead. Nothing slows her down.)

PRAYER PLEASE: Please pray for me to "get it". To trust in my Father's love for me. To be content. To have joy, now.