come. rest.

The first half of this week was hard. Really hard. You may be wondering, does this girl ever not have a hard time? Sometimes I do have good weeks. The second half of this week was good.
The first half of the week I felt like I was faced with my humanity to an extreme I have never experienced before.
One night I lay awake in bed crying out to the Lord, feeling so inadequate. Lately I can't believe how I act at times. The words I say, the thoughts I have, even my temper when someone does something I don't like.
I'm short to anger.
I'm quick to speak.
I'm tired and I snap.
I'm so not cut out for this place right now.
And then I vented to a friend and she said "you are so human!" You are facing your humanity and Jesus knew just what it was like.
And I apologized. And I begged God for mercy and more grace. And the day after I thought I didn't know how I could go on, but I did. I got up, I dressed myself, I cared for my daughter, we smiled and we laughed and the week turned around. It ended well. Not because anything changed with me. Not because I was more patient, it must have simply been because He held me and He assured my soul that "I am human" and where I am and what I'm doing is hard! Very, very hard. But He's walked out the last few days close to me. I don't feel Him and I don't often see Him but I know this MUST be Him because in my humanity I screw up. I lose it and I can't get out of bed. But I have been, for over two and a half long years He's sustained me. I'll keep going, living each day for the day and learning what that means to be enough, hating my humanity and longing for that holy place. That place of constant praise and thanksgiving. And I know Jesus knows my deepest desires, my desires to be closest to Him. And, because I'm human, I just keep on trying.
Even as I google about bedbugs and fleas tonight (seriously, these are the things that make me crazy and on the brink of nuts!) I say "Lord, more grace and floods of mercy for each moment." Because I can't even decide if I want to lay down in my bed tonight but I know I must rest-- rest in Him and keep allowing Him to teach me what it means to be human striving to live in unity with a Holy, perfect God. But first of all I am human and Jesus says, "I know, I know Dear One. Come. Rest."