a sweet reminder to stop my whining

"Mom, you're beautiful, you're lovely and I want to be like you." 

Wow, it doesn't get much better than that, does it? 

Here's Nede with some very special friends. 

lord help us

Today was just a normal day.
But I tried to take notice.

It all started just the same as any over the last 20 months. Nede wide awake and me trying to peel myself out of bed. Today she was laying on the bed next to me looking at a book. When my alarm went off for the 4th time she said, "Mom you can press it one more time then I want porridge." Since I haven't learned anything over the last 20 months when I finally did get myself out of bed we had to hurry.

"Nede get your uniform on, what are you wearing today? Your school dress or school pants?"
"Well done, now wash your face and put your lotion on."
"Okay, have you made your bed?"
"What do you want on your porridge?"
"Okay, brush your teeth....hurry, socks, shoes...we needed to be in the car 2 minutes ago. Let's go!!!"

I finally got us out the door, my coffee in hand. I roll down my window to greet the guard. Off we go with him wishing me a good day of work.

I enjoy the brief car ride with Nede to her school. As we pull up I say a quick prayer of blessing for her day and she reaches over and lays her hand on my leg, "Lord, bless Mommy's day..."
With a quick kiss on the forehead she's off.

I then get my iPod out and find some good music to slow my mind as I enjoy the 30 minute drive to the clinic. I fall back to the favs that I've played millions of times. The ones that I need to hear to remind me that I'm not alone in this. The ones that iTunes reminds me that I've listened to over 450 times.
I need to be reminded today.
When I arrived at the clinic I needed a couple more minutes to myself and to just be alone. I prayed for God to encourage me today because when I step out of this car the masses come looking for answers to their life problems.

The morning passed and at 1030 my stomach was long past the mornings porridge that I had inhaled with the morning rush. I started to feel tired.

I then was asked to drive a couple people home-- just up the road but too far for the child to walk again. With a fever of over 104 and malaria wearing his body down, of course he shouldn't have to walk home. I gladly drive them. Then I feel it again. Overwhelmed, tired, stressed, depressed. I need one of those songs again....

"I've never given up so much for you....
this time I knew the voice was you,
so I gave all I gave...
sometimes it feels you're not there...
sometimes it's hard to love the choice I chose...
it seems you've disappeared...
but now you're here.
Yesterday I wasn't sure
praise God you're here.

I've been waiting for a fathers love to carry me...

Now you're here just like the sun after the rain
now you're here just like the calm after the wave
Yesterday I wasn't sure
praise God you're here.

YOU'RE STILL HERE
NOW YOU'RE HERE
i don't mean to sound surprised that you'd be near
yesterday I wasn't sure but now
you're
here

still
here

(Here by Katy Kinard)

And just then, one last glace before I get back at it in the clinic, I see a beautiful butterfly on a flowering geranium. I'm reminded of the book I'm just finishing. Notice the simple blessings because "thanksgiving always precedes the miracle." (One Thousands Gifts by Ann Voskamp)
"Thank you Lord for that gift. I'm sorry I have such a time noticing that you are here."
I had a moment.
A moment of embracing this life. This gift.
I soon forget. I'm soon annoyed at the mother who isn't understanding my Portuguese. A moment later I'm raising my voice at the young girl who doesn't even know that her baby brother has a fever and a respiratory rate of 70. I'm furious at the negligence of these precious children.

I can't wait to go home now. Come on 2 o'clock.
My stomach's hurting again. I pray it's not malaria.
I get back in the car to enjoy some music and be reminded again. Back to "You're Not Alone", "Safe Place", "Here", "God I Look to You."
I cry.
I cry 'cause I'm tired.
I cry 'cause I don't know what's going to happen next.
I cry 'cause I can't notice the blessings around me.
In a place where I have to depend on the Lord each day  for the money for my food, my car, my daughters school fees. I have to ask for continued health, I have to ask for strength in being a mom, a leader, a communicator, a friend, a nurse. I cannot be here without the strength of the Lord because I am nothing in this place. This dark place. But, I've never been hungry. I've hardly been sick. I drive my car, I hug my daughter and still...still I can't find God. I can't notice the blessings around me. I ask for help again.
I pick Nede from school.
We buy our vegetables at the market.
We're late home. My colleague is waiting.
I give Nede a popsicle so she's busy while I have my meeting.
We talk about how to transform a community and how to encourage a community to love and care for the vulnerable children among them, because, you don't need money to build relationships. You don't need money to love.
Lord helps us.
Now I need to cook, have guests coming for dinner.
Bathtime Nede.
I take my cold shower.
Guests are here, dinner is ready. I relax and enjoy.
We spend much of the time talking about poverty. About how to help the poor. How to live in Mozambique and be like Jesus would have been or wants us to be.
We don't have the answers. Again,
Lord help us.

And here I sit, mosquito biting me under this desk and I think of a recent conversation I had.
"Life is a practice."
Yes, I agree.
Today I didn't practice what I would have liked.
Maybe I did a bit, tomorrow's another chance.

When I'm really honest--

LORD HELP US.

Nede's growing up. It really does happen fast, doesn't it? It's hard to believe this is where it all began...

And now we've celebrated multiple events together as a family, Nede and Dara...

I remember saying before returning to Mozambique that all that matters is that we're together, whatever that looks like. And it's true. Being able to be a part of changing this beautiful child's life can only be called a miracle! And she bring SO MUCH JOY! I know I can safely say that that joy isn't just appreciated by me. She radiates JOY! Just look at that toothless grin, who wouldn't want to be involved in her precious life?

I'm grateful she calls me Mommy.

aspirations 2

"So Nede, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

"Umm...a princess."

 A brief pause as I waited to see...

"And, a doctor."

Hmm, still.

At least she remains consistent.

That was several months ago that I asked this question, wasn't it?

Interesting.

hide-n-seek

I have fond memories of playing hide-n-seek when I was a kid. Playing in Grandma Hillstrom's basement at Christmas with all my cousins is a favorite. The time my sister hid inside Grandpa's coveralls and then had someone hang her back up on the wall! And, didn't someone fit in the dryer with the door nearly shut?? And there's the summer memories of playing outside while the fireflies lit up the night. And when Damon was moving the "safe zone (the Weber grill)" all around the yard so we didn't know where to run back to!

These feel like some of the best memories of childhood fun.

Today when Nede got home from school she was out in the yard playing baseball with Rebecca and soon Rebecca got tired of it and came in the house and hid from Nede. This soon turned into the first game of hide-n-seek for Nede. After I got done with my "adult responsibilities", ie. making dinner, I joined in. I'll admit it didn't take much twisting my arm. When I was hiding in the closet waiting for Nede to discover me I remembered why. I STILL get this invigorating rush in the anticipation of someone opening that closet door! I was nearly like a little puppy in a moment of too much excitement! NEARLY! Still, at 32 a simple game of hide-n-seek brought me back to that childish joy!

And, I don't know what the significance of this really is but it felt GOOD. It felt so nice for those few moments as I just waited and heard my daughters little voice say, "I'm gonna find Mommy first. Where is she? Mommy? Mommy?" (thinking I was going to be like her saying, 'aqui, here!'). Watching her search the room and head back out I eagerly awaited our giggles and hugs when she would find me. I couldn't wait for the celebration.

Maybe this feels important because this has been a long journey of being reminded we're called to have child-like faith. This journey, being life.This being real, and the rest of my worries being the problem.

I don't really know, but I liked it, and liked that I realized I could still find that kid inside of me.

I loved it.

it's the grace that covers Africa

Due to unfortunately circumstances, the last few weeks (and for the next several weeks) I've been working at a nutrition clinic nearby (run by close friends). I'm enjoying doing nursing and beyond. To me its an opportunity to give back to one of the miracles that saved Nede's life.

It's a clinic that provides formula milk to babies that for some reason can't be breast fed by their mother, or they passed the time where it's safe to continue breast feeding from their HIV+ mom; or a father or grandmother is caring for an infant who's been orphaned.

Yesterday, as expected in this rainy season, the night was wet. The rain continued into the morning. Some women came in smelling like their usual smokiness from having cooked porridge that morning. Many didn't smell of smoke today, it was too wet to get the fire lit. All smell that familiar smell of being dirty, damp, wet, urine soaked. It's a familiar smell but sometimes it makes me want to gag. On the hot days the smell of BO has the same effect. And they think WE smell badly! Ha, one of the many differences...

She sits down in my chair for her consultation.
"Bom dia."
"Bom dia."
"Como esta Mae?"
"Poco normal."
"O que e problema?"
Nothing.
"Peso por favor."
She reaches into her bra to give me the slip of paper that shows her child's weight for the week.
The child's weight is down almost a KG over the last 2 weeks.
"Wow, what happened Mae (mom)? Why did he lose so much weight in just 2 weeks?"
A typical story...had diarrhea for 2 days, went to the hospital and was given Tylenol.
Or, went to the hospital and received malaria treatment, the same med that the child had taken just 3 weeks before to treat the bug-- obviously, resistant.
I then want to dig deeper into the file and see what this child's history is. How old? 1 year 4 months. Has had a +HIV test at 6 months, a +HIV test at 12 months. The conclusive 18 month test yet to be told. I say a silent prayer, "O Lord Jesus, have mercy, spare just one more."
The mother is distant. Not even making eye contact. Like many there's shame or fear or struggle in their every expression. How do I even expect her to share the deepest struggles of her heart? How can I even begin to understand what her life is like? I can't. I wish I could connect. I'm paralyzed by language-- a dialect I feel I could never learn and a western language I  haven't mastered and she knows only basics. To me it seems our worldviews couldn't possible be from the same universe. How did it get like this?  I pray for  there to be more happening than my nursing assessment and a hand over of milk to sustain a life for another 2 weeks. I pray for the spiritual world to be in action. For a breakthrough for this Nation.

The next baby I lay my eyes on is tiny. I mean TINY. I ask "How many days old is that one?"
"Three months."
WHAT? WHAT? 1.5kg at 3 months?! I feel nervous to even touch the precious one. She should be in a NICU somewhere.

Okay, God you are here! This one has life and this elderly grandmother is caring for this peanut, carrying her on her back wherever she goes.

Later a child comes with his left arm burned from the elbow to finger tips-- screaming as it's washed. I ask, "How are you going to dress that? Is it going to heal?"
Just a vaseline dressing and days later there is remarkable improvement. How?

Another time I ask, "Really? Is this dosage of antibiotic going to make a difference?"
The response I get from a seasoned nurse at the clinic is this, "Yes, I don't know how, it shouldn't, but, it does. It's the grace that covers Africa."

I think on this. I don't quite understand. Habitually I look around here and see all the bad, all the hopelessness, all the struggles, even my own struggles. Through a challenge of spending my days looking for blessings in the mundane I'm beginning to see it. To see the grace that covers Africa. With continued practice, maybe I can be transformed to praise the grace that covers all of us.

For today, thank you God for the grace that covers Africa.

yucky yucky yucky

The other day I went for a walk, I didn't have my camera with me, but I just googled and this is the snake (dead, Praise the Lord) that we saw on the road.



AHHH!!!! Yuck! I'm sorry Mr Gaboon Viper, your skin is beautiful but I never want to meet up with you again.

Ate nunca!

joy

Nede and I spent the last week at Tofo beach about 10 hours from where we live. This is a short clip of Nede playing in the water. This wasn't the first time she was in, this was probably hour 7 and she was still having pure joy and was totally thrilled, as you'll soon see:

I wish I could bottle this up and sell it because she's (often) a good dose of a great medicine. I don't think I'm being completely biased when I say this is one of Nede's many gifts. She brings immense amounts of joy to many people. Being in a new environment with her reminded me of this. So much so that we've had to have more talks about strangers and trusting people we don't know, she makes friends with everybody and was introducing me to people! Once when I was standing waist deep in the Indian ocean she extended her arms to a guy we had only just seen around our accommodation I then realized she may be bordering on a bit too friendly! :) Despite this, I see glimpses of what God is doing and is going to do with Nede through her life, and ours together. She is a very special girl. And I praise God that through the hard days (and not so hard days) she brings me this joy. For

 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. (James 1:17)

Thank you God for many good and perfect things.

curiosity

Nede is curious.
If I eat a chocolate after she goes to bed she says, "Mom, what's that?" in the morning.
If I make popcorn after I think she's sleeping, first thing in the morning she says, "Mom, you ate WHAT last night?"
Because of this curiosity I requested Denise send me Curious George books to read to Nede. We read Curious George ALL THE TIME.
Nede also continues to LOVE birthdays. LOVES birthdays. Therefore, she loves "Curious George and the Birthday Party".
Last week we spent at the beach in a tourist destination of Mozambique. One day we were walking around the market and there was a persistent man trying to give me a flyer advertising a party at a bar that night. He finally made me take the paper and Nede (curious) asked, "What does that say?"
I said, "Well, it's just about a party tonight."
We walked in silence for a bit and then Nede said, "That man was SO curious."
Me, "What do you mean?"
"Passing those things out to people he doesn't even know so he gets a lot of presents? He's too curious!"

And she's too cute...(if you ask me)

Happy New Year

(a late post because I actually got to get away. More on that later.)

Happy New Year! The fact that I’m actually awake to bring in the new year is quite a miracle!

Yesterday after a particular difficult morning and day I went to town and came home and saw this rainbow. I’m not sure you can see it well on the pictures but I felt it was such a painting from the Lord. It ministered to me deep within. To see such a rainbow over mud huts as we start this new year I was reminded of the promises that remain for us. That the Lord doesn’t, hasn’t, and won’t change. The same

yesterday

today

tomorrow.

Hope.

Promises for the hope that comes.

And that we get to be part of making the KINGDOM come.

We wish you a BLESSED 2012—full of fulfilled promises and so much hope! Dara and Nede