i need prayer most of all

(sorry long one)
Many people tell me they just don't know how to help me. Some have even said because they don't know what to do/say they withdraw and are doing nothing at all.
I'm sure I don't understand even fractionally what my greatest need is but I think I understand enough to say that prayer is BY far my greatest need. Yes, I need financial support. Yes, I need to Skype and receive text messages and I need to hear familiar voices once in awhile. And, YES, I love receiving care packages from home. And YES, I love having visitors but after being in Mozambique for 2+ years I've started to understand a bit more what Ephesians 6:12 means, 

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

Again, I'm surely no Bible scholar and have never taken a theology class to have any in-depth understanding of the scriptures but I think I "feel" this "dark world" on a daily basis. Below are some things that contribute to this "darkness" I feel in Mozambique.


Did you know that the prevalence of HIV in people between the ages of 15-49 is 11.5%?
Did you know that there are 670,000 orphans in Mozambique as a result of AIDS?
Did you know there are an estimated 3 million active landmines still in Mozambique, making it in the top 10 countries in the world with active mines?
Did you know the life expectancy in Mozambique is 50 years old?
Did you know that Mozambique is rated 172/177 on the UNDP Human Development Index?
Did you know malaria is the leading cause of death in Mozambique, accounting for 29% of deaths and 42% for children under 5 years?
Did you know the illiteracy rate is 52.2%?
Did you know that a 16 year civil war ended in 1992?
Did you know that the majority of people go to Christian churches but they may also visit the witch doctor immediately after?
Did you know that I hear regularly stories of children disappearing or being found dead as a result of needing children for child sacrifices?
Did you know that most of the children I see at the baby clinic have yarn cords around their arms, waist or necks which are placed there by witch doctors to "protect" them from bad spirits?
Did you know 75% of Mozambican doctors work ABROAD, leaving few doctors to see hundreds and hundreds of patients in a day?
Did you know that these are the "spiritual forces of evil" that we're up against here?

On a more personal level, did you know....
...that I'm rubbish at learning languages but now I find myself in government offices stumbling by in Portuguese?
...that I'm totally a people person and many evenings I find myself alone with my sleeping daughter in a very foreign land?
...that I've never managed a home of my own in America and now I'm trying to do it in Mozambique (there's no Home Depot to me found. Anywhere!)?
...that even if there was Home Depot  I don't know how to do ANYTHING in regards to home repairs/car repairs/any sort of repairs?
...that most expats and missionaries say that you need to leave a country like Mozambique at most every 6 months to avoid burnout?

With all of this being said, I must share with you all that I've learned about GRACE in the past +/-4 years that I've been involved in Mozambique.

1. I got to love and care for a 20 year old woman as she died of AIDS.
2. Her daughter now calls me Mom.
3. I get to treat babies, mothers, grandmothers for malaria when they sit at my desk at the nutritional clinic I get to volunteer at.
4. I have been able to learn from missionary friends that work in organizations who address the issue of illiteracy (http://english.alfalit.org/).
5. I work beside a Mozambican pastor who has 100% been delivered from the bondage of ancestral worship and witchcraft and he blesses me, teaches and encourages me on a weekly basis.
6. I live with a young girl who boldly stands up to her family and the "traditions" of her culture and she makes hard decisions to follow hard after Jesus in a very suppressive place.
7. When I've have malaria it's been identified and treated fast enough that I've never felt like I was "going to die."
8. I found a lovely Mozambican man who's invested hours and hours of patience with me in my language learning process.
9. I do have LOADS of friends and a broad community of people from all nations walking out this season with me.
10. Every time I've had a home disaster (ie. rain POURING through my roof) I've had friends at my house with me to help clean it up and repair the roof with me.
11. I bought a used car on my own and it's not had one thing wrong with it in over a year.
12. I had a friend come care for Nede for me for 2 weeks so I could visit friends in Ethiopia and South Africa last year.

As easy as it is for me to rattle off the things that are hard here, I do try to focus on the blessings that are around me, because, they are MANY. So, please know that as well, I continue to learn how to notice the Holy moments and count the small blessings (part 2-an "escape").

118. My flower bed with pink, white and yellow flowers spilling out.
119. Buying used clothes at Market 38.
120. Fresh pineapple juice
121. Newborn geckos running around my house
122. Buying a new bright colored capalona (African fabric)
123. Knowing when I am weak then HE is strong
124. Afros

Did you know that the BEST gift you can give me is YOUR PRAYERS?! (emails and encouraging words are very welcome also.) And, if you would like to receive more specific prayer requests regarding Nede and me please feel free to send me an email and I'll gladly add you to my "prayer warriors" email list (darajeanhillstrom@gmail.com).

project hopeful

Some of you may remember when I was in Minneapolis in 2009 I was part of an HIV/AIDS event and Carolyn Twietmeyer was one of the speakers. Carolyn is the founder of projecthopeful.org, one of my favorite organizations. This is a moving video of one of her daughters:

(I've gotten many compliments on this being a great photo and photography, I didn't take the picture. Thanks to my friend Shayle.)

Part 2: an "escape"

Okay, okay, now on to my "escape" with a bit more substance. I do know that Jesus is, and is supposed to be, my Blake Shelton cheering me on and supporting me. If I'm really honest though, it doesn't always (often) "feel" that way. 

For Christmas I received a package with this book in it:

It's called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I think and pray that this book and this author are on the brink of changing my life, for the WAY better. Ann is a mother of 6 who home-schools her children and supports her husband as he farms. The book takes you on a beautiful journey of Ann's discovery of what it means to be thankful, to count the small things in life as blessings because she's learned that the word eucharisteo in the Greek really means thanksgiving and "thanksgiving always precedes the miracle."  Through the journey the Lord had her on she was challenged to open her eyes to the blessings around her in her daily life, and to count them, to 1,000. 

After I finished reading this book I was determined to make my list of 1,000 gifts, confident that through training my mind, this would soon become habit and I'd be a new woman of constant thankfulness, in all circumstances. Well, one night in particular I was really getting this, it was clicking in my mind as to how right-on Ann is in the importance of being grateful and praising God no-matter-what! I even searched iTunes and found a message Ann Voskamp had given at Wheaton College and listened to that. I then spent time recording things I'm thankful for. Then, a few hours later I woke in the night with a headache, one of the headaches that sent me to Zimbabwe for a CT scan months back, and I reminded myself-- "give thanks in all circumstances, give thanks now Dara." As I lay in bed tossing and turning in agony I couldn't think of ONE SINGLE THING TO BE THANKFUL FOR! Oops, I failed already. 

Shortly after this night I was sharing this with some friends and we agreed that for some twisted reason we seem to think that God owes us something. I was glad to hear my friend say this because it's often what I think. I often feel so sorry for myself and have the attitude that I've "sacrificed so much", this shouldn't be so hard, God should really bless me for my willingness to fight this fight. In all actuality, my eyes are just blinded to seeing how God is blessing me right now. Right now is a holy moment, right now is the time to be thankful (eucharisteo) because right now is preceding the miracle. And the miracle may not be what I think it ought to be but perhaps through seeing daily blessings I'll then see the miracle.  

So I write my list: 

1. Children learning to ride a bike after taking off the training wheels.

2. Daisies dancing in a gentle breeze.

3. Froth on a good cappuccino.

4. A happy child speaking in a foreign language.

5. Lavender linen spray.

37. The smell of chocolate chip cookies baking.

38. Bubble baths.

39. Missing teeth on a 6 year old.

63. Adriel as my AZ BFF.

64. A quiet house with lights dimmed and candles lit.

65.

74. The way Nede fits into the crook of my neck when I carry her to the toilet at midnight.

75. Reading blogs of other single moms.

96. Ann Voskamp

97. Reading www.aholyexperience.com

98. Greg Boyd 

108. Memories of being on Santa Monica beach.

109. The way Nede's pinky fingers curves in, just a little.

110. The Voice

It get's contagious. I start feeling excited to write the next "gift" in my little book. It's amazing how my whole outlook, of what can be a terribly depressing place, can change just by looking for a gift. By trying to be fully aware of each moment as a holy moment. Each "gift" around me as a blessing, as something special from my heavenly Father. 

This isn't actually an "escape" per se , but it is an "escape" from what is natural to me. An "escape" into who God desires me to be, into whom I'm becoming? I need to read A Thousand Gifts again because I think that it is key to what we miss out on in our daily lives. It's what I miss. I really desire to enjoy the now and not to just wait for things to be better. Even right now as I swat mosquitoes, that likely are carrying malaria (there's nothing to be thankful about with mosquitoes is there?), this is a holy moment in the presence of my loving Father who is 

77. "Christ in me the hope of glory." Colossians 1:27

Eucharisteo.Thankfulness. This could change my life. 

I pray this WILL change my life. 

110. Falling into bed when you're completely exhausted.

Part 1: an "escape"

(Perhaps this is one of the most elementary blogs I've ever written but you're seeing how simple and childish my faith is becoming, you'll see;)

It's been awhile since I've written much. I'm not really sure why. Maybe because my days haven't been filled with much more than monotony and drudgery. That sounds quite depressing, doesn't it? Many days I'm left wondering what to do with these feelings I have. Feeling overwhelmed by homesickness, longing to hear the English language on the streets, wanting for 1 day to not hear about a death of someone close to a friend, not hearing the pack of street dogs yipping and howling every night when I go to sleep, not checking my bank account every day to see if I'm going to have enough money to buy meat this week or pay for my residence permit to stay here another year-- it all feels so stressful. Not to mention the adoption, not to mention trying to raise a 6 year old as a single mom in a foreign land, not to mention the 14 year old child we're treating at the clinic with 3 massive tumors protruding out of his scalp, not to mention everyone around me suffering in some way with HIV/AIDS, not to mention being a "house mom" to a 22 year old girl still finding her way in this culture...

What do I do with this? What do I do when all I want to do is go back to bed after I get Nede off to school? What do I do when my mind is in a million places and I pour litchi juice in my coffee this morning instead of milk?

There are 2 things that I have done recently-- one I'm proud of and think that it's right in line with what God's doing within me on this journey. The other, no where near profound or Godly but it provided an incredible outlet, an incredible "escape" for me.

I'll start with the not so profound blessing.

I made a vow recently with some friends to watch more TV. Not too often do people need to promise themselves to watch MORE TV do they? I don't even have a TV. I do have a computer with a functional DVD drive.

The other evening after getting Nede to bed I decided I wanted to start to watch something. (Typically I'm so tired in the evenings that I end up just falling asleep with a book on my lap or I'm so full of anxious energy that I just muddle around the house doing nothing at all or surfing the internet looking for answers to some of my many questions about this season of life I'm in). I found that I had season 1 of The Voice. Now, I know I'm totally last year! but I started watching it and I was hooked! For the last week I watched the whole first season of The Voice.

Why did I love this so much? I'm not sure. I was totally impressed with how encouraging and positive the judges were to these aspiring artists. I love music but can hardly billow a note from this voice of mine. It just felt so good to watch this-- good to see normal people having dreams come true, good to hear quality music, good to see celebrities investing themselves to help someone else's dreams come true--giving back to the music industry what someone along the way probably had done for them.

I became especially attached to Blake Shelton and 2 of the girls on his team, Dia Frampton and Xenia. (I know this is a silly blog, I wish you could understand how just watching this, over a year late, makes me feel connected to "home" and a whole new light of things-- I need these "escapes".) I don't know how many times I cried while watching Blake's (a first name basis, as if I know him) interactions with these girls. From watching the show he seemed to believe in and care about these girls (and everyone but especially these 2) far beyond a celebrity working on a talent search show. He cared, acting as a father figure, it brought me much joy. He believed in their talent, stood by them, worked hard with them and loved them. It was beautiful. Now I sit here searching iTunes for music of these girls that I grew to be great fans of. I found this duet of  Dia Frampton and Blake Shelton, and I cried again:

I don't know why this all feels so significant. Maybe this is what happens when you feel so out of touch with your own culture, I now cling to celebrities and rising stars to experience something "normal." Of course I know this is made for TV and I don't really know how "real" their relationship is, but what was aired was a deep reminder to me of what we're called to do as the Church, as part of walking out the Kingdom together. The commitment and encouragement touched my heart. This was a shining example.


Maybe this moved me because I realize we're all searching for a Blake Shelton to cheer us along and believe in us. 

I know, this may sound oh, so silly but for me it took me away from the darkness, away from my daily challenges and into a place where dreams come true. The overall winner of The Voice (as if I'm informing you, this is OLD news;) was Javier Colon, a young father of 2 beautiful children. This also made me cry.

I celebrated with them. I needed to remember some dreams do come true!

(More about how God is using this and my other "escape" in part 2 to come. Now I need to go check out the 2 kittens that decided to make a home on my roof last night and prepare for Nede and a friend coming home to play this afternoon)

happy birthday cousins

It's hard to believe it's been over 2 years since I said goodbye to my sister in her hospital room as we all awaited the arrival of 4 more to our family. It's also surreal to think that I'll come back to a family of 11 after leaving my family of 6. I long for that sweet day. And now on the celebration of their second year, Nede says

"Happy Birthday to all my cousins!!!"

And together we say, "Happy Happy Birthday!!!"

Lots of love from Auntie DJ and Nede. We can't wait to see you and hug you!

worship

I miss shopping at Target. I also miss scenting my home with Pier One Import candles. When I first tried to make this house, "home", I wanted a shopping spree thinking that "things", I like would make it a home. 

I still would like more cozy decor but God's given me something else.

I also miss being a single, footloose and fancy free young woman. Now I struggle to find even a few minutes to quiet my heart and mind to write or read and pray. Even when I find some quiet time much of the time I've found it difficult to open the Bible, difficult to read the Word without falling asleep or wanting to do a million other things. Finding ways to worship hasn't come easy. And when it has it's been quite simple, almost child-like. 

Cardboard boxes and Crayola markers:

This is the wall that decorates my bedroom. Now smeared from the roof leaking and rain pouring down the wall it's becoming plastered with promises and reminders that the Lord has given me over these last months and years. Some days simply writing a truth on a piece of cardboard has been the most holy thing that I can get myself to participate in. It's been through these few moments that I feel like I am really worshiping and communing with my Father.  I think it represents where I'm at-- desperate, child-like, simple, but always hopeful...always hoping.

I think God's okay with it too. This is the season I'm in. I'm asking many questions-- I'm searching for answers. My faith continues to become my own. It's different than just accepting what I hear from the pulpit.

It's real and it's mine.

It's simple.

he's crazy 'bout kids

I took this video of Nede tonight. She just loves singing life and making it up as she goes.

Later, when I put her to bed, we read from her Children's Message Bible "about when Jesus got angry". (Matthew 21:12-14). We spent some time talking about what makes us angry.

Then we kept reading.

The "loan sharks" and "dove merchants" were upset that after Jesus tipped over their tables in the temple the children carried on chanting and shouting, "Hosanna to David's Son!" The people who were jealous of the praise Jesus was receiving were now angry and looking for a reason to "accuse" Jesus. "Do you hear what these children are saying?"

I believe Jesus calmly responded with, "Yes, I hear them. And haven't you read in God's Word, 'From the mouths of children and babies I'll furnish a place of praise'?"

"From the mouths of children and babies..."

"From the mouths of CHILDREN and BABIES..."

I'm again reminded of how often Jesus emphasized the importance of children.

"...of children and babies..."

As I re-watch and reflect on Nede's song tonight (translation provided below;) I can't help but think about how serious Jesus was (is) about children. "From the mouths of children and babies I'll furnish a place of praise." I'm no Bible scholar, I don't know if I 100% get what he's saying here but...I think it sounds amazing. And what I remain SURE of is that God USES CHILDREN and Jesus ADORED them. And, if I'm to call myself a Jesus follower I NEED TO AS WELL. It's not suggested. It's not recommend. It IS!

I've recently been following some other blogs of single women who've adopted. I've been highly blessed and encouraged by this. I'm also blessed to have many friends here who've also done and are doing crazy things for kids-- taken them into their homes in what the world would say are under CRAZY circumstances. There are many people doing CRAZY things for kids (projecthopeful.org is just one example I admire). Tonight I'm left here thinking about what more we're called to do. Maybe these "crazy" people aren't actually crazy at all. Maybe this is what should be "normal" if we are a Jesus follower.

Because...

'From the mouths of children and babies I'll furnish a place of praise'. Matthew 21:16

[Jesus the little children they're singing
To Jesus
Jesus doesn't miss anything
If you see Jesus, run and give Jesus hug

(awkward pause)

Jesus, the little children they're singing
To Jesus
And Jesus doesn't miss anything
If you see Jesus, run and give Jesus hug

Jesus loves the little children
If you see Jesus you can and give Jesus big hug
This is a song for Jesus.
That's the end of the song.]

havin' fun with my cheap camera and one cute kid

my family

Hair seems to be a main focus of our life. Nature vs. Nurture??