the list

Thanksgiving. Praising God when it's not easy. Always being grateful. Through EVERYTHING.
These have never been my first nature reactions to difficult times. Even to mediocre times I would have to say.
Over the last 2 years, or should I say 4? I feel as if I'm to the point that I've got nothing left to try than to develop this habit of thanksgiving. To be fully alive, praising God and being grateful for every good thing in my life. "Every good and perfect gift comes from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17 As I've shared several times recently the book "One Thousand Gifts" and the authors blog aholyexperience.com have become pivotal in this new "discovery".

Counting my gifts, up to 1000, never stopping.
Praying for my eyes to be opened to see them.
To feel them.
To let them be enough for me to be happy.
For them to bring me to a deeper joy and contentment in this place that I find myself.

Nothing else has worked.
I've cried my ocean of tears.
I've written my pages of struggles.
I've begged and pleaded with the Lord.
I've tried to sleep it off.
It's not working. Nothing is working.

Today started differently. Now, I'll warn you (again), I'm no mega-spiritual person who has grandiose dreams and visions. This is me being simple and child-like, again.

155. My house has an open/revolving door.

- One of the things I love being here is that we're able to open our house up to almost any and everyone that passes through. Several times I've heard of people coming through town and I've been able to offer them a bed. In doing so, I've gained some really excellent friends and great support. When I came home from Zambia I returned to a house full of 5 women (days later it was 6) and 3 year old twins + Nede = chaos
Now, this is just background info to help you understand this morning.

156. Special surprises where you least expect them.

- Some weeks before I went to Zambia I took off one of the 2 rings that I always wear. And, underneath it I was having some weird fungal infection/eczema/skin breakdown, that I'd never had before. So, I took the ring off and put it on the window sill in the kitchen. Just before going to Zambia I wanted to wear it and I couldn't find it. I left without it. Upon my return, I thought I had remembered putting it "somewhere safe". For 3 weeks now I've been searching everywhere I could think of for this ring. Well...this morning I was making Nede's lunch for school and I found a half eaten bag of chips in the cupboard (remember I had 7 extra people in my house, I don't always know what I do and don't have), I had never eaten from this bag of chips, or seen it for that matter. As I open it up to empty the contents into a bag for Nede's lunch, there was my RING! I'll never know how that happened. I will always be thankful for:

157. "Mom, why did you put your ring inside there?"

158. Badly translated t-shirts from the market (see photo below)

159. Making construction paper chains to count down the arrival of visitors (my mom on June 15th)

160. Nede insisting on hanging things in the middle of the walkway.

(My shirt that makes me happy says: 

Happily

Camp in Summer

GREEN

it flies about

It Promises

Indefinitely)

This is it. This is my current approach. Writing my list and enjoying each little blessing that's writing this big story. And tonight I'm laughing and I haven't cried in days. Thank you Lord! Please keep teaching me to be thankful.

161. My favorite ring

zambia celebration

Here's another short video of the Hands at Work celebration that we attended in Zambia. Watching this reminds me what a privileged it is to be a part of something bigger-- for more children!

grace and mothers day

This week I read my favorite blog aholyexperience.com. O how I wish I could write like Ann Voskamp. I was deeply touched about her story of becoming a mom. I was moved at how her "normal" story of motherhood wasn't easy. Of course it wasn't. Being a mom must be one of, if not THE hardest job in the whole world. Yes, it's great but a lot of times it's hard! Really, really hard.

Waking up every morning to your daughter flipping on the light switch and announcing, "Mom! I have to go poo." This gets on my nerves.

Rushing her out the door, late for school again, I get annoyed when she says "let's race to see who gets their seat belt on first. NO, WAIT, WAIT..." as she get's her silver clip into it's notch and just before it makes the, latched "click", sound she says "GO! IT'S ME, IT'S ME!"

The same thing EVERY-single-DAY!

Answering, or trying to, 27 questions on the 10 minute drive to school
Talking to her about her behavior at school.
Talking to her about the behavior of others at school.
Playing games with her.
Disciplining her.
Cooking for her.
Cleaning for her.
Bathing her.
Driving her.
Paying for her.
Living here for her.
Being her friend.
Being her sibling.
Being her mom.
Being her dad.
The list could go on and on....you know.

You're never ready are you? Never in a million years did I plan to become a mom in the fashion I did. My experience isn't exactly a situation I played pretend about with my sister.

Today I worked at the clinic and sat with nearly 50 mothers and grandmothers. I looked them in the eye and asked how their baby's been in the last 2 weeks. I got frustrated when they couldn't explain their child's weight loss and I rejoiced when they said their child had had a negative HIV test.

I don't claim to know what it's like to be a mom in a village in Mozambique.

I also don't claim to know what it's like to be a soccer mom in the suburbs of America.

What I know first hand is that it's not easy. It's not easy anywhere.

Everyday I think about how my mom raised me-- with so much love, so much patience, so much grace. Everyday I know I'm not doing as good of a job as my mom did. EVERYDAY. Because this is just-not-easy. No where, for anyone. I don't think it gets easier when your children have grown either. I remember my mom telling me 2 years ago that she was having her most difficult year of being a mom. My sister and I were 30 and 34!

Tonight I just sit here in awe of the grace that's been bestowed upon me in having the mother I have. Grace. I can't explain it in any other way. I praise the Lord for His Amazing Grace in the gift of my mom. I ask for more Amazing Grace as I continue to learn how to be a mom and I ask for the MOST Amazing Grace for the mothers that I see every day in clinic as they watch their children suffer and they themselves suffer. They weren't ready for this either.

...this most important job in the whole world.

Being a mom and having a mom is an amazing gift covered with this AMAZING GRACE.

Mom, I hope I've made your life of being a mom as worth it as Nede has already made mine. I can't wait to hug you on June 15th. I can't wait for you to hug my daughter on June 15th. Please keep teaching me how to be a mom. Thanks for coming here on June 15th.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

(the most current picture of my mom and sister and me-- my sister awaiting the quads in March of 2010)

a journey

I think I'll always remember the hike I was on with a friend in Arizona when I discovered something significant about my outlook on life. Sarah was 100% content and satisfied with wondering around and discovering the beautiful Sedona mountainside and I was frustrated we weren't finding the trail to the summit! She then commented something like "Is that what you're all about?  The destination? Not enjoying the journey?" I didn't have to think long when I realized that yes, I am always thinking about the destination. I rarely cherish the journey.
A short time later I was in my favorite coffee shop and there was a mug for sale with some profound words about life being about the journey, not the destination.
I still struggle with this. I'm always look for what's next, not seizing the moment.
Our recent trip to Zambia once again reminded me about the value of enjoying the journey. Our 8 days away were full of "firsts" for Nede. I again realized how important all of these "firsts" are for us. I know, in theory, life is about the journey. I continue to try to embrace it.

1. We journeyed for about 1200 km (745 miles) cramped in a van like this: 

2. At the border post between Zimbabwe and Zambia we saw this: 

3. Then, we couldn't cross the border because there was going to be an explosion at the dam, where we had to cross:

4. Nede ate her first milk shake. She chose bubble gum:

5. Rode on her first "alligator": 

6. Saw her first zebra:

7. Saw her first elephant: 

8. Went to her first real store with a moderately sized display of toys: 

9. And we traveled for the first time out of Mozambique. We made new memories as a family: 

The one thing that wasn't a first is how Nede captured at least another 50 peoples hearts who have now hugged and heard the giggle from this treasure of a kid. 

And, I continue to learn how to walk the journey...

i loved the love and worship

Nede and I just spent the last week away in Zambia at a Hands at Work Celebration. It was really special for us to be able to go there together. I was quite emotional throughout the week because it felt like such a milestone for us. We were able to be with many of the people that have been praying for Nede and me for years now. I can't dream of being able to express what it meant for me. I decided to just make a little video to share...if you can, take a few minutes to watch this and reflect with me all that we've been through over the last few years. I hope you can feel how special it was for us. My favorite parts are shared here-- the worship and the love...you'll see: 

And we were all together, from 13 different countries, because we believe seriously in the words of James 1:27:

  Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

i need prayer most of all

(sorry long one)
Many people tell me they just don't know how to help me. Some have even said because they don't know what to do/say they withdraw and are doing nothing at all.
I'm sure I don't understand even fractionally what my greatest need is but I think I understand enough to say that prayer is BY far my greatest need. Yes, I need financial support. Yes, I need to Skype and receive text messages and I need to hear familiar voices once in awhile. And, YES, I love receiving care packages from home. And YES, I love having visitors but after being in Mozambique for 2+ years I've started to understand a bit more what Ephesians 6:12 means, 

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

Again, I'm surely no Bible scholar and have never taken a theology class to have any in-depth understanding of the scriptures but I think I "feel" this "dark world" on a daily basis. Below are some things that contribute to this "darkness" I feel in Mozambique.


Did you know that the prevalence of HIV in people between the ages of 15-49 is 11.5%?
Did you know that there are 670,000 orphans in Mozambique as a result of AIDS?
Did you know there are an estimated 3 million active landmines still in Mozambique, making it in the top 10 countries in the world with active mines?
Did you know the life expectancy in Mozambique is 50 years old?
Did you know that Mozambique is rated 172/177 on the UNDP Human Development Index?
Did you know malaria is the leading cause of death in Mozambique, accounting for 29% of deaths and 42% for children under 5 years?
Did you know the illiteracy rate is 52.2%?
Did you know that a 16 year civil war ended in 1992?
Did you know that the majority of people go to Christian churches but they may also visit the witch doctor immediately after?
Did you know that I hear regularly stories of children disappearing or being found dead as a result of needing children for child sacrifices?
Did you know that most of the children I see at the baby clinic have yarn cords around their arms, waist or necks which are placed there by witch doctors to "protect" them from bad spirits?
Did you know 75% of Mozambican doctors work ABROAD, leaving few doctors to see hundreds and hundreds of patients in a day?
Did you know that these are the "spiritual forces of evil" that we're up against here?

On a more personal level, did you know....
...that I'm rubbish at learning languages but now I find myself in government offices stumbling by in Portuguese?
...that I'm totally a people person and many evenings I find myself alone with my sleeping daughter in a very foreign land?
...that I've never managed a home of my own in America and now I'm trying to do it in Mozambique (there's no Home Depot to me found. Anywhere!)?
...that even if there was Home Depot  I don't know how to do ANYTHING in regards to home repairs/car repairs/any sort of repairs?
...that most expats and missionaries say that you need to leave a country like Mozambique at most every 6 months to avoid burnout?

With all of this being said, I must share with you all that I've learned about GRACE in the past +/-4 years that I've been involved in Mozambique.

1. I got to love and care for a 20 year old woman as she died of AIDS.
2. Her daughter now calls me Mom.
3. I get to treat babies, mothers, grandmothers for malaria when they sit at my desk at the nutritional clinic I get to volunteer at.
4. I have been able to learn from missionary friends that work in organizations who address the issue of illiteracy (http://english.alfalit.org/).
5. I work beside a Mozambican pastor who has 100% been delivered from the bondage of ancestral worship and witchcraft and he blesses me, teaches and encourages me on a weekly basis.
6. I live with a young girl who boldly stands up to her family and the "traditions" of her culture and she makes hard decisions to follow hard after Jesus in a very suppressive place.
7. When I've have malaria it's been identified and treated fast enough that I've never felt like I was "going to die."
8. I found a lovely Mozambican man who's invested hours and hours of patience with me in my language learning process.
9. I do have LOADS of friends and a broad community of people from all nations walking out this season with me.
10. Every time I've had a home disaster (ie. rain POURING through my roof) I've had friends at my house with me to help clean it up and repair the roof with me.
11. I bought a used car on my own and it's not had one thing wrong with it in over a year.
12. I had a friend come care for Nede for me for 2 weeks so I could visit friends in Ethiopia and South Africa last year.

As easy as it is for me to rattle off the things that are hard here, I do try to focus on the blessings that are around me, because, they are MANY. So, please know that as well, I continue to learn how to notice the Holy moments and count the small blessings (part 2-an "escape").

118. My flower bed with pink, white and yellow flowers spilling out.
119. Buying used clothes at Market 38.
120. Fresh pineapple juice
121. Newborn geckos running around my house
122. Buying a new bright colored capalona (African fabric)
123. Knowing when I am weak then HE is strong
124. Afros

Did you know that the BEST gift you can give me is YOUR PRAYERS?! (emails and encouraging words are very welcome also.) And, if you would like to receive more specific prayer requests regarding Nede and me please feel free to send me an email and I'll gladly add you to my "prayer warriors" email list (darajeanhillstrom@gmail.com).

project hopeful

Some of you may remember when I was in Minneapolis in 2009 I was part of an HIV/AIDS event and Carolyn Twietmeyer was one of the speakers. Carolyn is the founder of projecthopeful.org, one of my favorite organizations. This is a moving video of one of her daughters:

(I've gotten many compliments on this being a great photo and photography, I didn't take the picture. Thanks to my friend Shayle.)

Part 2: an "escape"

Okay, okay, now on to my "escape" with a bit more substance. I do know that Jesus is, and is supposed to be, my Blake Shelton cheering me on and supporting me. If I'm really honest though, it doesn't always (often) "feel" that way. 

For Christmas I received a package with this book in it:

It's called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I think and pray that this book and this author are on the brink of changing my life, for the WAY better. Ann is a mother of 6 who home-schools her children and supports her husband as he farms. The book takes you on a beautiful journey of Ann's discovery of what it means to be thankful, to count the small things in life as blessings because she's learned that the word eucharisteo in the Greek really means thanksgiving and "thanksgiving always precedes the miracle."  Through the journey the Lord had her on she was challenged to open her eyes to the blessings around her in her daily life, and to count them, to 1,000. 

After I finished reading this book I was determined to make my list of 1,000 gifts, confident that through training my mind, this would soon become habit and I'd be a new woman of constant thankfulness, in all circumstances. Well, one night in particular I was really getting this, it was clicking in my mind as to how right-on Ann is in the importance of being grateful and praising God no-matter-what! I even searched iTunes and found a message Ann Voskamp had given at Wheaton College and listened to that. I then spent time recording things I'm thankful for. Then, a few hours later I woke in the night with a headache, one of the headaches that sent me to Zimbabwe for a CT scan months back, and I reminded myself-- "give thanks in all circumstances, give thanks now Dara." As I lay in bed tossing and turning in agony I couldn't think of ONE SINGLE THING TO BE THANKFUL FOR! Oops, I failed already. 

Shortly after this night I was sharing this with some friends and we agreed that for some twisted reason we seem to think that God owes us something. I was glad to hear my friend say this because it's often what I think. I often feel so sorry for myself and have the attitude that I've "sacrificed so much", this shouldn't be so hard, God should really bless me for my willingness to fight this fight. In all actuality, my eyes are just blinded to seeing how God is blessing me right now. Right now is a holy moment, right now is the time to be thankful (eucharisteo) because right now is preceding the miracle. And the miracle may not be what I think it ought to be but perhaps through seeing daily blessings I'll then see the miracle.  

So I write my list: 

1. Children learning to ride a bike after taking off the training wheels.

2. Daisies dancing in a gentle breeze.

3. Froth on a good cappuccino.

4. A happy child speaking in a foreign language.

5. Lavender linen spray.

37. The smell of chocolate chip cookies baking.

38. Bubble baths.

39. Missing teeth on a 6 year old.

63. Adriel as my AZ BFF.

64. A quiet house with lights dimmed and candles lit.

65.

74. The way Nede fits into the crook of my neck when I carry her to the toilet at midnight.

75. Reading blogs of other single moms.

96. Ann Voskamp

97. Reading www.aholyexperience.com

98. Greg Boyd 

108. Memories of being on Santa Monica beach.

109. The way Nede's pinky fingers curves in, just a little.

110. The Voice

It get's contagious. I start feeling excited to write the next "gift" in my little book. It's amazing how my whole outlook, of what can be a terribly depressing place, can change just by looking for a gift. By trying to be fully aware of each moment as a holy moment. Each "gift" around me as a blessing, as something special from my heavenly Father. 

This isn't actually an "escape" per se , but it is an "escape" from what is natural to me. An "escape" into who God desires me to be, into whom I'm becoming? I need to read A Thousand Gifts again because I think that it is key to what we miss out on in our daily lives. It's what I miss. I really desire to enjoy the now and not to just wait for things to be better. Even right now as I swat mosquitoes, that likely are carrying malaria (there's nothing to be thankful about with mosquitoes is there?), this is a holy moment in the presence of my loving Father who is 

77. "Christ in me the hope of glory." Colossians 1:27

Eucharisteo.Thankfulness. This could change my life. 

I pray this WILL change my life. 

110. Falling into bed when you're completely exhausted.

Part 1: an "escape"

(Perhaps this is one of the most elementary blogs I've ever written but you're seeing how simple and childish my faith is becoming, you'll see;)

It's been awhile since I've written much. I'm not really sure why. Maybe because my days haven't been filled with much more than monotony and drudgery. That sounds quite depressing, doesn't it? Many days I'm left wondering what to do with these feelings I have. Feeling overwhelmed by homesickness, longing to hear the English language on the streets, wanting for 1 day to not hear about a death of someone close to a friend, not hearing the pack of street dogs yipping and howling every night when I go to sleep, not checking my bank account every day to see if I'm going to have enough money to buy meat this week or pay for my residence permit to stay here another year-- it all feels so stressful. Not to mention the adoption, not to mention trying to raise a 6 year old as a single mom in a foreign land, not to mention the 14 year old child we're treating at the clinic with 3 massive tumors protruding out of his scalp, not to mention everyone around me suffering in some way with HIV/AIDS, not to mention being a "house mom" to a 22 year old girl still finding her way in this culture...

What do I do with this? What do I do when all I want to do is go back to bed after I get Nede off to school? What do I do when my mind is in a million places and I pour litchi juice in my coffee this morning instead of milk?

There are 2 things that I have done recently-- one I'm proud of and think that it's right in line with what God's doing within me on this journey. The other, no where near profound or Godly but it provided an incredible outlet, an incredible "escape" for me.

I'll start with the not so profound blessing.

I made a vow recently with some friends to watch more TV. Not too often do people need to promise themselves to watch MORE TV do they? I don't even have a TV. I do have a computer with a functional DVD drive.

The other evening after getting Nede to bed I decided I wanted to start to watch something. (Typically I'm so tired in the evenings that I end up just falling asleep with a book on my lap or I'm so full of anxious energy that I just muddle around the house doing nothing at all or surfing the internet looking for answers to some of my many questions about this season of life I'm in). I found that I had season 1 of The Voice. Now, I know I'm totally last year! but I started watching it and I was hooked! For the last week I watched the whole first season of The Voice.

Why did I love this so much? I'm not sure. I was totally impressed with how encouraging and positive the judges were to these aspiring artists. I love music but can hardly billow a note from this voice of mine. It just felt so good to watch this-- good to see normal people having dreams come true, good to hear quality music, good to see celebrities investing themselves to help someone else's dreams come true--giving back to the music industry what someone along the way probably had done for them.

I became especially attached to Blake Shelton and 2 of the girls on his team, Dia Frampton and Xenia. (I know this is a silly blog, I wish you could understand how just watching this, over a year late, makes me feel connected to "home" and a whole new light of things-- I need these "escapes".) I don't know how many times I cried while watching Blake's (a first name basis, as if I know him) interactions with these girls. From watching the show he seemed to believe in and care about these girls (and everyone but especially these 2) far beyond a celebrity working on a talent search show. He cared, acting as a father figure, it brought me much joy. He believed in their talent, stood by them, worked hard with them and loved them. It was beautiful. Now I sit here searching iTunes for music of these girls that I grew to be great fans of. I found this duet of  Dia Frampton and Blake Shelton, and I cried again:

I don't know why this all feels so significant. Maybe this is what happens when you feel so out of touch with your own culture, I now cling to celebrities and rising stars to experience something "normal." Of course I know this is made for TV and I don't really know how "real" their relationship is, but what was aired was a deep reminder to me of what we're called to do as the Church, as part of walking out the Kingdom together. The commitment and encouragement touched my heart. This was a shining example.


Maybe this moved me because I realize we're all searching for a Blake Shelton to cheer us along and believe in us. 

I know, this may sound oh, so silly but for me it took me away from the darkness, away from my daily challenges and into a place where dreams come true. The overall winner of The Voice (as if I'm informing you, this is OLD news;) was Javier Colon, a young father of 2 beautiful children. This also made me cry.

I celebrated with them. I needed to remember some dreams do come true!

(More about how God is using this and my other "escape" in part 2 to come. Now I need to go check out the 2 kittens that decided to make a home on my roof last night and prepare for Nede and a friend coming home to play this afternoon)