come. rest.

The first half of this week was hard. Really hard. You may be wondering, does this girl ever not have a hard time? Sometimes I do have good weeks. The second half of this week was good.
The first half of the week I felt like I was faced with my humanity to an extreme I have never experienced before.
One night I lay awake in bed crying out to the Lord, feeling so inadequate. Lately I can't believe how I act at times. The words I say, the thoughts I have, even my temper when someone does something I don't like.
I'm short to anger.
I'm quick to speak.
I'm tired and I snap.
I'm so not cut out for this place right now.
And then I vented to a friend and she said "you are so human!" You are facing your humanity and Jesus knew just what it was like.
And I apologized. And I begged God for mercy and more grace. And the day after I thought I didn't know how I could go on, but I did. I got up, I dressed myself, I cared for my daughter, we smiled and we laughed and the week turned around. It ended well. Not because anything changed with me. Not because I was more patient, it must have simply been because He held me and He assured my soul that "I am human" and where I am and what I'm doing is hard! Very, very hard. But He's walked out the last few days close to me. I don't feel Him and I don't often see Him but I know this MUST be Him because in my humanity I screw up. I lose it and I can't get out of bed. But I have been, for over two and a half long years He's sustained me. I'll keep going, living each day for the day and learning what that means to be enough, hating my humanity and longing for that holy place. That place of constant praise and thanksgiving. And I know Jesus knows my deepest desires, my desires to be closest to Him. And, because I'm human, I just keep on trying.
Even as I google about bedbugs and fleas tonight (seriously, these are the things that make me crazy and on the brink of nuts!) I say "Lord, more grace and floods of mercy for each moment." Because I can't even decide if I want to lay down in my bed tonight but I know I must rest-- rest in Him and keep allowing Him to teach me what it means to be human striving to live in unity with a Holy, perfect God. But first of all I am human and Jesus says, "I know, I know Dear One. Come. Rest."

encouraging words

I was so encouraged by these words before going to bed last night:
Here is my servant!

 I have made him strong.
He is my chosen one;
    I am pleased with him.
I have given him my Spirit,
and he will bring justice
    to the nations.
 He won’t shout or yell
    or call out in the streets.
 He won’t break off a bent reed
    or put out a dying flame,
but he will make sure
    that justice is done.
 He won’t quit or give up
until he brings justice
    everywhere on earth,
and people in foreign nations
    long for his teaching.

 I am the Lord God.
I created the heavens
    like an open tent above.
I made the earth and everything
    that grows on it.
I am the source of life
for all who live on this earth,
    so listen to what I say.
 I chose you to bring justice,
    and I am here at your side.
I selected and sent you
    to bring light
and my promise of hope
    to the nations.
 You will give sight
    to the blind;
you will set prisoners free
    from dark dungeons.

Isaiah 42:1-7

holiday + tired = prayer

Nede's on school holiday-- for 5 weeks. It's during these times that I miss libraries, parks, daycare, friends, museums. I've tried to be creative but it was getting a bit long being behind our walls and in our house. So, we got in the car and trekked about 500 km or 300 miles (about 9 hours!) through potholes that about shook us to pieces, waited at police stops and slid through sand on a 100 km road that takes 3 hours to maneuver.  But when we got there, (finally!) these smiles awaited us...

And they played from sun-up to sundown...

And I got much joy from looking at these 3 who have been saved, by grace, and now hear about Jesus and have mommy's that love them to pieces and would do anything to fight for them.

In a nation where this sits in my friends backyard... 

I need this face and these puffball hair-dos to keep me going...

Because, I'm tired. And I need YOU to pray for me to have strength to endure.

weaving my tapestry

Several times I have thought of my life as a tapestry. A woven treasure with different people making it a divine piece of art. Each person adds something different to my life, sharing their colors at the perfect time in different places. Some people have been steadfast friends for years and years. Others have been more sporatic, coming and going in my life as time and the course of life obliges causing a dotted effect, adding to the beauty. There have been some that are long and steady threads that saw me through some of the hardest times, but time with them was always my most joyous. There are others that I was blessed to walk along side while they went through challenging times. Still there are others that walked with me for very brief periods but their impact on me was a bold color that still lights up my life upon reflection. Of course there's my family, immediate and extended, that are steady-- not always frequent encounters but always there, always praying, always in my heart. And then there's the Nede thread that I never went looking for but now is of utmost influence. It may have started off as a gentle pastel but is now growing breadth and radiance as she grows and influences my life more and more with each passing day.
Now, since living in Mozambique, the threads are often shorter-- the daily encounters are concentrated in shorter periods of time as often occurs in a transient environment of the expatriot world. So far, some of these relationships have been of utmost importance to me and my little family here. Nede and I have had some of the most incredible people walking with us through some quite difficult times.

Even though some threads seem to be changing directions and even feel to be off my tapestry, the impact they've made in strengthening the fibers of my being will never disappear. It seems if I were to construct this tapesty today, there would be a fade of color, not that the relationships are gone, they're just more out of touch, the shades are growing fainter as the distance takes away from the vibrancy of the art.

As much as I hate these times of change and adjustment I do stand in awe-- in awe of the support and love that I've had around me in so many different times and places of life. The number of deep, cherished relationships that I have in my life are of most worthy praise and gratitude.  

Of course there are a few fibers that I wish I could change in my tapestry-- relationships that I wish I had handled differently, relationships that had to end or change because of distance and heart issues, I wish they  were still adding to the design. I guess this may be part of the beauty though-- living and learning, allowing myself to be changed by each perfect weave. 

I suppose one day I'll be able to illustrated this in a more tangible way. I hope I can because the number of beautiful threads that pour into me is one incredible rainbow. And now, in a time of gray, I pray for that sunny spring day to come where more colors will enter my life and walk with me continuing to color and creating a dramatic tapestry that helps to construct me.
Dear friends who have come and gone, thanks for pouring into me. Thanks for loving me, believing in me, walking with me, drying my tears and encouraging me to keep on keeping on. Your rays of love paint my sky with hope. WE LOVE YOU!

i want normal when i'm in the miracle

(This is an honest account of what I'm going through right now. Please bear in mind that I'm a messy work in progress. Walk with me and pray.)

I long for normal. I actually crave it.

Last Friday night I was depressed. I longed to be somewhere where I could be going out to dinner with friends or watching a movie with a "big gulp" in hand. What sounds like the perfect day to me is walking around a shopping mall sipping on a hazelnut latte, maybe even 2. I want to see families in the play area, a mom and a dad doting over their children.  I want to take Nede to a park. A park without rusty, sharp edges. I'd like to order food from a restaurant and expect to get what I ordered not just hope for the best. I want to put on high heels and my best jeans and blow dry my hair. I want to drive a car without having to dodge dogs, goats, bicycles, motorbikes, women carrying wood piles on their heads, children dashing across the street, by themselves. I even wish I could get a mosquito bite without thinking, "wonder if I'm going to get malaria. We'll see in 7-10 days." I want a cell phone that I can count on working and friends in town that I can plan a spur of the moment trip to Starbucks with. I want to speak to and see best friends and family that I haven't seen for 2+ years. I want a Chipotle burrito.

Yes, I know the Bible says we're not to be of "this world", we're to be "set apart" not longing for these things-- these meaningless things.

But, I still do.

I want to hear a language I understand completely and to be able to express myself with a larger vocabulary.

Yes, I know, I do know without a doubt that I'm in the center of God's will. I'm where I'm supposed to be. But, who forgot to tell me that this isn't always as glamorous and "feel good" as you think it's going to be when you're saying "Yes" to God with arms raised in a mega church with hundreds of voices crying out to Him? In the night after night of sitting in the now cold, without any heat and just adding more layers, this God adventure doesn't "feel" too happy and warm fuzzy. Yes, yes, I do also know that my feelings aren't where decisions are to be made from nor the source in which truth flows. But many times I ask, "Really? How long? How long will I battle with finding peace, contentment and even joy in this situation?" It seems like if I could ever just "get it" everything would be a lot more manageable.

Yes, it's a miracle I've been sustained-- in all areas of life. It's a miracle things work out when my bank accounts are sucked dry, like the Sahara. It's a miracle.

It's a miracle that I have one amazing kid I've been asked to be responsible for. It's a miracle.

It's a miracle I drive on the left side of the road and it now feels "normal". Miracle.

I function in a Portuguese speaking Nation. Miracle.

I have faced meeting after difficult meeting. Miracle.

Stress. Tears. Loneliness. Heartache. Headaches. Miracle.

Someday's I just plain old don't want to be living the "miracle" any more. I don't want my faith to be stretched so tight that I feel like a rubber band about to be flung across the room with the risk of injuring an innocent bystander.

What choice do I have though? I don't have any other. Because, bigger than ALL I'm feeling and all that's "abnormal", I KNOW this is where I need to be. I KNOW this is the heart of my Father God. I only wish that this could one day start to feel like my "normal". Because if what I want to be "normal" is at the cost of child slavery to get my coffee, sweatshops to get those favorite jeans, wars to fuel my car and ignoring the poor to watch my movie and drink my big gulp, I don't want that either.

I wish I were changing more than I am. Because I still want to go shopping with that latte. A LOT.

I guess the miraculous journey I'm on is just that isn't it? A journey. It's about far more than what I'm doing and more about what He's doing in me. It's a time for me to find ways to give glory to Him, trust Him and rejoice in Him when sometimes it's the last thing I "feel" to do. Life is about the here and now. But that seems to be one of the biggest things that can't cross this great divide between my head and my heart. Because now, if I'm really honest with the world, I don't want this.

I want to be normal.

(The miracle.)

(Applying ice to her forehead post hulahoop accident to the forehead. Nothing slows her down.)

PRAYER PLEASE: Please pray for me to "get it". To trust in my Father's love for me. To be content. To have joy, now.

i think i feel angry too

Amen, my friend!
A must read: http://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/07/the-1-thing-you-really-have-to-know-about-your-family/

milk, good for your health

This morning Nede was eating her breakfast, corn flakes with UHT milk (I'm not sure it's milk at all, I don't quite get the idea that milk doesn't need to be refrigerated until after it's open. Long-life milk, I'm not a fan). Then she said, "Mom, my teacher says milk is good for our health. It makes our teeth strong so we can chew bones."

At first I thought I misunderstood her and she was saying milk is good for your teeth and bones. Then I realized she hadn't misspoken at all. Eating ALL of the chicken (or goat) is the normal procedure in most Mozambican homes. Nede's already Americanized and doesn't do this but...it would be what she would do if she lived with an African mom.

So kids, drink your milk so your teeth are strong and you can eat those bones! No reason to waste anything.

we believe in adoption, do you?

Sometimes I feel crazy. Then I read my (new) dear friends blog and I'm grateful to be reminded that I'm not. Read on:

http://www.themozblog.tk/ (click blog and read "loving our neighbors")

3 single moms, 3 great kids

where is Jesus

Thursday night. 10pm. Phone rings.

"Hi Dara. Sorry to call so late. How are you? Dara, are you busy tomorrow morning? If it's not a problem can you help me with something? One of the street kids I work with lost his mother today. When we found them they were taking down the door to their house to build a coffin. They have nothing. Could you drive our truck to bring the coffin to the cemetery and bring people there and back to their house again?"

"I would be happy to help."

Friday morning, 9am, I drive a full-size extended cab pick-up on a trail I didn't know we would fit down. I maneuver around praying I don't bump a mud hut which is no bigger than the car I'm driving. I back up as close as we can to the home who's had the loss. I walk over to the house and feel ashamed. I feel ashamed because I live less than a mile from this house and have forgotten what life is like outside my wall. The children who've lost their only living parent are filthy, wearing only rags that I wouldn't even use to clean my house with. The door is indeed missing from the front entrance. There are people around but in my cynicism I think that they're the ones that come out of the wood work at this time for the food and to pay their respect to spirits that drive the fear that runs, and ruins, their lives. Where were these people when the children were living on the streets? Who was here when the mother was dying? I didn't get the answers to these questions. It doesn't matter, but I want to blame someone for the situation. When really there's a responsibility that I could take in it. There's a history that my culture, the church, human-kind can, and must, take responsibility of.

I was shocked at what I found at the cemetery. I knew of these rituals but again, I've been away from them for some time. On top of every mound of dirt were suitcases, bags, purses, pots-- belongings that I couldn't help but think people in the homes of the deceased could be using. I'm not sure of the culture beliefs behind it but it's something with the after-life and spirit.

And then there's the cultural wailing and crying; the griever collapsing to the ground, body limp and then being abruptly and  harshly hauled away to minimize the scene that's created. I know it's all the cultural norm and different worldview that disturbs me. And that's exactly what I was, disturbed.

At one point I was so overwhelmed by the tragedy all around me that my body didn't know how to respond. I couldn't cry, I couldn't speak. My body was numb with a subtle urge to dry heave or wretch my guts out.

And then I saw a butterfly and was reminded. There's still life. There is and always will be new life.

At one point I just lifted my head to feel the sun on my face and worshiped God, trusting that He's here. He feels the hurt and knows the helplessness. I prayed and asked that I, and others here, live as salt and light to this oh so dry and dark land. That somehow our presence is pushing back the darkness. That somehow in the rub of the back that I gave a newly orphaned child, love was felt. Because what is this life even about if it's not about love? Love to our neighbor. Even if our neighbor is in the farthest corner of the world, we understand nothing of their culture and our worldviews couldn't be much different. We must find a way to know them, and love them.

Most days I don't understand, or know much, but most days I do know, that this is where Jesus would be.

nede antics

Nede is a hoot! I really think she is. It may just be a motherly love kind of thing but maybe not. I think she really is clever.
She still asks a lot of questions. I mean, A LOT! Isn't it Mom? Isn't it? (She says that ALL the TIME often folllowed by "even me." "Even me.")
Here's the dialog we had last night at bedtime after reading from her Bible the story of Esau and Jacob.
"Mom, what if we see someone that's really hairy?"
Me: "Then I guess we could say he's like Esau."
Nede: "And what if someone has hair on their legs and they shave it off?"
Me: "Umm...I don't know."
Nede: "Then they're like you!" BA HA HA!!!!! We both burst into stitches of laughter.
That's pretty clever isn't it?

* * * * * * 

Nede also does everything (EVERYTHING) with a lot of effort. She never does anything only half-way as you'll see in her recent mastery of the hula-hoop...she is FULL of gusto! 

She keeps me on my toes. :)