shoot. another lesson in obedience.

I felt nervous to go to clinic today. Because, I had to back track some steps. My steps of disobedience.

Four weeks ago my Little Guy "I'd like some rice and fish now" came to the clinic. He wasn't well. I happened to have brought some new clothes for him that day, clothes Nede picked out for him because he has worn the same red sweat pants every visit to the clinic. Likely his best. On this cool day I added his new long sleeve shirt to what he was already wearing but he kept on shivering. He said he felt fine. His Vovo (grandmother) also confirmed that he was fine. But, it wasn't THAT cold. Why was he still shivering? I guessed that if I took a cold water bath on this morning I'd be shivering for the next 3 months as well but, he's a bit hardier than I am, he shouldn't be cold from a bath.

I took his temperature. Normal.
I listened to his lungs. Fine.
No other obvious acute illness.
Other than the fact that he has abdominal tuberculosis and HIV I can't find anything else wrong.
I guessed that those 2 huge diseases within themselves could be causing the tremors and, if that was my assessment, there was nothing else I could do.

I didn't feel right in myself as I prepared to send him home. I thought, "this isn't looking good, what if this is the start to another end?" As a staff we talked about taking him home so that we could know where their house was for future needs. But, for whatever reason, I decided that we'd do it next time. I can't recall if I had a good reason to not go that day or not. Would I be late to pick up Nede? Was I just tired of the challenge? Bottom-line. I didn't go.

For 4 weeks I waited. Hoping. Praying I didn't miss it again. My Little Guy who we already saw go from glory to glory Eating rice and fish was teaching me a lesson. My worry wasn't necessarily that he'd declined and died (which I obviously hoped wasn't the case) but my greater concern was I had had the stirring to do more and I hadn't. I was disobedient. I know I myself can't take away his TB and HIV but I have (tried) to commit myself to walk with those I'm asked to. Had I missed it with him?

This morning, a frigid one, apparently no one wanted to be out (yes, 44 degrees is cold with no indoor heating), there was no one waiting to be seen at the clinic-- the perfect time to go look for my Little Guy. I was afraid. What if he had died? What if he was suffering in the hospital. We set out-- filled my car with fuel so we'd be sure to have enough in case we were gone for a while searching. As it turned out, this time "very close" actually was very close. I parked my car under the mango tree as this stranger who said she knew my Little Guy led us to the house. I could have screamed and done a little dance as we walked down the hill, I saw Little Guy playing with some other kids. He immediately came over to greet my friend and me. He was okay! His Vovo had been sick and today she was in Chimoio selling bananas.

Oh, the relief that came over me as he sat on my lap. Of course he's not well but he's the better. He wasn't shivering on this cold morning. And, I pray he now knows I care. And, when the Lord asks me to "go" next time, I hope I'm able to respond.

But, for today, I enjoyed another visit with my Little Guy and we'll see what more we can do for him. I thank God for the grace of today and for having mercy on me while I keep on learning.

Another lesson in obedience....

family. freedom. faith.

Family.

Friends.

Flowers.

Food.

Faith.

And. 

Freedom.

Celebrating them all.

Happy 4th of July!

And, missing things of "home".

willing to work on the exit

Because that day she died I realized, when he asked me, "Don't you see, this is your hospice heart? This is your passion."
After over 5 years living in this developing country and seeing the suffering, my eyes were opened, my heart awaken.
When she, swollen and hurting, lost and broken, went home and there was nothing I could do,
I wept.

I wept because I used to work in Scottsdale where no one settled for anything but the best for their ailing loved one.
At Mayo Clinic you don't do anything second best,
You do every last thing until their's satisfaction and peace.
Great peace.
Because dying is scary, but, I've seen it done well.
That midnight on-call visit I had when the wife whispered into her beloved's ear, "Go home Dear, it's okay. Go to Jesus."
That was beauty.
After the "Hooray for you" entry into the world,
It can be followed by a peaceful, "Praise to Him" heading out of the world.

It rarely happens like that here,
The entrance,
Or the exit.

But now, after the awakening within me,
And, the "public health emergency" the world is finally recognizing (BBC latest),
And, being on a continent that needs more than Tylenonl (ONE campaign article),
I, with fear and trembling, because as she said the other day, "This is going to hurt"
I willingly walk forward.

Starting to talk about palliative care and end of life in a nation where they say,
"No, I couldn't care for someone dying in my home. That would take too much courage."
I don't come with morphine,
Or a trained doctor at my side,
Or a brainy academic understanding of AIDS,
What I do come with is this,
I KNOW THE HEALER.
He who said there is "a time to be born and a time to die..."
Didn't want her to suffer as she did....I'll call her courage

I'm willing to work on the exit.

To be continued...

4 years with my peanut

Four years ago today this little one ran into my heart and home....

Almost a year ago she lept into his...

Today we celebrate all the grace and miracles that our loving Father has performed to put this little family together. We are so, so grateful.

Thank you Nede for the last 4 years of joy you have brought to every person you've met, you've penetrated each heart and left a sliver of you with them. We're so blessed you're ours. Keep making the "earth be filled with an awareness of the glory of the Lord." Habakkuk 2:14

Someone once said to me, "Nede has more love to give than anyone else I've ever known." It's true.

Her love bubbles over....

Thanks for letting her enter your hearts as well! 

Previous blog posts celebrating this day:

2013 reflections

2012- our second year

2011- our first year

2010- the first days

happy father's day

This is love and mutual adoration.
I wish you could watch this amazing story unfold as closely as I have.
This father's love is astounding.
If his love is this true, what must be the love of our Heavenly Father?
I cannot comprehend.

To this dad, who shows  me how to love,

and to all the other father's who point us to our Father's love,

Happy Father's Day.

Our home overflows.

xoxoxoxo

an email that touched my heart

If you've followed my blog very closely, you'll understand the significance of this....

On this Saturday, when the next days ahead feel hard and heavy, I struggled to face it. When most in need of encouragement, she wrote. She responded to my sharing how, through a blog she has touched my life. Yes, she wrote. Thank you Ann!!!!

Beautiful Dara...

Ah, friend --- that you'd write such a grace-filled, moving note -- so real and transparent? Your words and story bring tears.
Lays this sister right low and I whisper thanks to Jesus for you and yes, ma'am -- we'll keep pressing on to Jesus together.

You are so, so loved --- by Jesus and this Cross-clinging daughter...

Just -- thank you. For loving like our Lord, friend and being the gift and giving back.

Yes! We will talk long in Heaven...

All's grace,
Ann

what's it all leading to?

"Chad, what's it all leading to?"
"I don't know Dear."

It's my first day back. I sit investigating through old, smelly, rubbish paper bits that serve as hospital receipts. I identify that this little gal, less than 2 years old, was tested with ++malaria yesterday. I look for the receipt with malaria treatment on it. Before asking I make sure I've looked at all the dingy papers. I see blood was drawn and the hemoglobin was 4 (normal should be 10 or above). I pull down the lower eye lid of this lethargic sweet pea and sure enough-- white as a ghost. Severe anemia.

I ask the mom, "Did they not give you any medicine?"
"No, nothing. They said she has low blood and if she takes tablets she'll die."
Tears roll down her cheeks.

Lies.
Lies.
Lies.

Greed. Wanting bribes
and lies.

And it's a child who suffers.
We do what we can,
what we know best to do.

Return to the hospital.
Hope someone has compassion.
And keep wondering...

"What's it all leading to?"

rhythm of the waves

What if the rhythm of the waves is the beat of our Father's heart?
They're consistent, never to be missed,
If you're on the seaside, they're always there.
Always.

During the storm the waves keep crashing---
          showing strength, power, authority.
During the calm they're crashing still---
          more gently, soothing, bringing peace, assurance, comfort.

When I close my eyes, I can be sure they're coming.
They will not fail.
When I open my eyes wide, I look over the turquoise, the vastness stretches as far as my eye can see,
I could feel tiny, engulfed by the enormity,
But I choose to be awed.
I choose to say, as sure as the waves consistently crash
So my Father's heart beats for me.
Yes! Every beat, every crash reminding me He's here.
He's in control.
He's large.
And, yes! Surely his heart beats for me.

I think, the rhythm of the waves JUST MAY BE, 
The beat of my Father's heart.

happy easter

Happy Easter from we who've been redeemed. Thank you Jesus!

Love from the Vanden Bosch's

most beautiful people

 If People magazine were to ask me, which I know they never will, to give my opinion on the most beautiful people in the world, I've got my top 2 chosen:

Of course our conversations are about health and nutrition and the depth would be very elementary but there's something that's being knitted between the hearts of these women and mine. Something inside me lights up a bit when I see they've arrived at the clinic. They are beautiful. The mother, soft spoken and sweet, loves her little one with a real depth (which circumstantially is often missing here). And the wee one,  is as perfect as a porcelain doll, and, as small as one. Months behind in her development and with a grim future, there lies a beauty that shines and a treasure that deserves to be known. I love these two and it's them that deserve to be recognized for their beauty. Here is where I find the most beautiful people.