the sand-dollar

In 2008 when I started having crazy thoughts about being Nede's mom, Laura and I went away to the beach for a weekend. The whole point of our going was to give me a quiet place to pray and fast. During that weekend together Laura had found several beautiful  sand-dollars. Laura had no idea that I had a fascination with sand-dollars. Never having spent much time on the sandy shores of my dreamland I have had finding  sand-dollars on my to-do-list of life. When I told Laura this she generously said, "Oh, Dara, you can have them." I thanked her but affirmed part of the dream is finding them on my own. She then carelessly put her sand-dollars in the corner of our baraka to which they would soon be broken.

Fast-forward  3 years, I have custody of Nede, I've been her mom for some time, God has confirmed and reconfirmed things to me about this journey. Until this point I hadn't left a small circumference with Nede, we didn't have the proper paperwork to travel. Once we finally did we went on our first outing-- to the beach. The same beach where the Lord spoke to me about pursuing the adoption of Nede. It felt REALLY special to be with Nede, there at the place where I had gone to seek wisdom about caring for her. It was a sweet time. It was even sweeter when I went for my early morning runs and I found sand-dollars. Lots of sand-dollars and, to me, this stood as a reminder that He is faithful. When I so often don't "feel" the Lord's presence with me I often need visual reminders. I rejoiced as I discovered and cherished these fascinating treasures. I selected a few and guarded them to remind me of what God has brought us through. I thanked God for giving me this gift.


This week I went with a broken heart to return my mom to the airport. It was such a dream come true to have here her that I never wanted to let her go. I hadn't imagined how painful it would be to see her go. The day before she flew out we went to the beach. As Nede was playing on the beach I walked gazing at the sand thinking. Thinking about what we've come through, trying to imagine how we'll get through all that lies ahead, afraid of the future, afraid to be "alone" again. I ached. Then, I looked down and saw an imprint of a sand-dollar just under the sand. I dug my toe below the image and flipped up a live sand-dollar. I called Nede over to examine this living creature with me. I was again fascinated  by it and thrilled that this time I was seeing it alive-- covered with millions of little hairs like flagella moving it around in the sand. Nede and I then discovered that they were everywhere. We turned around and there was another just under the sand. And another, and another. They were almost everywhere we looked. As I took all of this in I felt like the Lord was reminding me that He's right here with me, confirming everything one more time, through His creation of the sand-dollar. But, this time he used live ones. Reminding me that there's life! And there wasn't just one, there were plenty. There is life and life abundantly! He is here and life to-do-lists do get checked off...in plenty.

I'm still aching and hurting but I'm reminded. Reminded as the cilia tickled my toes that this beautiful creation isn't just a dead shell, it's alive and well and moving... in plenty. I can be rich and full of life. Abundantly!

must be genetic

"Mom, you don't really look like Meme. You look more like me."
"Oh, really Nede. Do I look more like Grandpa?"
"No. Just me. Taylor looks like Meme."
"Oh, then who looks like Grandpa?"
"Grandpa looks like me and Auntie Disa looks like me too. And my girl cousin and the babies, they look like me too. Uncle Trevor, ya, he looks like me too." 

celebrating our second year

What could be better than celebrating our 2nd year anniversary together than having my mom here with us? Well, I can think of one thing better but, I'll rejoice in what we had today.
A year in review...

Grateful for today!

a must read book

http://diamondsinthedust.net/

This book was written by a special friend of mine. She and her husband have been a real encouragement and support to me in the last 4 years of my life. 

I haven't read her book yet, I need to get to South Africa to get it!, but I'm SURE it's a masterpiece.

For all of you in the Midwest, Shirley will be doing a book tour in August. You would be blessed to meet her and her husband, Mark. Given them a hug for me and they'll deliver it back to me whenever we get to South Africa. 

It's our closest link. 

Tour information: http://diamondsinthedust.net/shirley-tucker-author-tour-august-2012/345.html

who can sleep?

Remember the construction paper countdown chain?

It's not long now.

ONLY 2 SLEEPS!!!

WE'RE SO EXCITED!!

THIS IS GOING TO BE GOOD!

Having an unconventional family was never in my plans. I get excited when we get to start experiencing these non-traditional events, like my mom meeting my 6 1/2 year old.  I've got a feeling it's going to be a bit of a scene on Friday at the airport. I feel like I've gone through the gestational period of an elephant and even after the delivery I've been hidden away from those closest to me. Of course I have loads of great people here but nothing touches on the love of your mom or dad, sister and family, friends who've known me since I was young(er) and naive. Again, I rejoice as this is an amazing NEXT for Nede, me and my larger family. I pray this is a link to even greater things-- a glimpse of what's to come, a closer connection to all of you, another part of a dream coming true.

Blessed travels Mom, we're waiting. 

I (heart) Nede

someone hears a "hey"

On the first day of June in a place far away,

In the cool of the day, in the completion of May

On a special day, a day for the wee

Someone was shaken, shaken from Thee

That someone she stopped, she stopped to hear “HEY!”

It’s the day for the children, put all else away

It’s more than a whisper, it’s more  like a “Hey!”

Who is it that’s calling to care this wee-way?

She must listen close, she must learn this today

They’re everywhere, each place that you look

Some with no shoes, never touched a good book

They cry at the gate, they shiver at night

No Mom, friend or Dad

Do you see, are you mad?

It’s a problem, a BIG one

Do you even care?

They’re crying, they're screaming, will someone hear “HEY!”

She searches her Bible, yes it says there

To care for the wee-one , to care with great care

It won’t be easy He says but you must

The rewards will be plenty if you just dare to care

It’s not about you and all that you do

It’s about the wee-ones the ones that need you

They’re precious, they’re sweet, the joy of my heart

But why are you sitting not doing your part?

Come now you many, you must stand and cheer

Fight the tough battle, the time’s drawing near

It’s a crisis a big one, the race it is here

Do something, stop waiting they’re dying too near

Talk it is nice and prayer it is too

But nothing can beat the thing that you do!

Come now get up, get up on your feet

Stand, fight and cry there’s many to meet

Go boldly, go strong, walk in confidence too

Someone is saying, “please, I need you!”

So say that good prayer for us here today

And remember that He says this is the way

It’s not about me, about what I want to be

It’s all about Him and what he wants to see

So, someone hear “Hey” from this land far away

And live for the children, it can start there today

Stop looking around and start looking within

He’s calling, He’s begging the wee-ones must win

Bless you He’ll bless you

The promise is true

Now ask Him, just ask Him now what must you do

From a land far away, Will you hear the “Hey”?

***************

Today is Children's Day in Mozambique. Nede was elated to go to school today with her cupcakes and to have a (yet another) day all about children! 

Many times while reading "Horton Hears a WHO!" to Nede I've felt like Dr. Suess got it! He hit it head on! 

"From sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, 

I'm going to protect them. No matter how small-ish!"

For a long time I've been thinking of writing my own version of Horton. Here it is. It may be a rough start but I finally did it.

Happy Children's Day!

a bit more...cheery

After my last post I feel like I need to write something else. Something a bit more, I don't know, cheery? A bit of an upper? A bit of a "life's not really that bad" and happier note to read?

I've been looking for this opportunity for several days now. I have nothing greatly adventurous or profound to write. I'm at the computer, as usual, while Nede's finally fast asleep. The electricity just returned after a few hour outage. I'm sipping my tea and ready to crash into bed.

The last post I sort of slipped back into my "this is really hard here, why don't we care more" mode and now I'm trying to get back to the "praising Him in everything mode".

All I have to share today is a sweet moment I had. As usual on Monday evenings Rebecca and I had our prayer time. Nede wanted to join tonight. After talking to her that this is our special time of prayer, our time with God, she can't wiggle, giggle or make ANY noise, she agreed to sit quietly on my lap on my bed. As many know, Nede's got A LOT of energy. Her only "sometimes" on her last school report card was in regards to the category that said, "Can concentrate on one thing for 15 minutes...." Sometimes.

So to get the chance to convince her that she needs to just snuggle with me and sit and pray with me was a gift in itself. She did wiggle a bit as she tried to tie my Piggy Piggy up in knots (oops, I shared it, I made him public!:) With a gentle touch of my hands she settled and sat. Sat listening to the prayers of her Yaya (sister in Shona) and the long winded prayers of her mom. We then concluded with our Amen's and I asked, "Nede, do you want to pray?"
YES!
I was then not just thankful for the time of snuggling but also for the prayers of this child.

"Lord please touch Yaya so that she feels better. Be with Mommy. Thank you for everyone that we know. Be with everyone. Be with everyone we don't know too..." and it goes on in child-like-faith and I learn. And I love. And I praise HIM in...

Thankfulness 

XOXO

the stench of death

(WARNING: This is not a feel good message)

Today after I dropped Nede off at school I was driving home and there was a dead dog right in the middle of the road. It was as stiff as a board, rigamortis full blown. I felt annoyed that whoever had hit the poor thing had just left it right there. My next thought was, "the stench of death is just everywhere."

It's true. Yesterday I was in Macadeira visiting the pastors and caregivers that we're working with. I was speaking to one faithful woman who has corrdially welcomed me on every visit over the last 1 year +. I have a special liking of this lady because she some how reminds me of my aunt. I started talking to her yesterday about her life. Where do you live? Who do you live with?

Alone.
No husband.
No children. All 4 of her children have died.
ALL 4 OF HER CHILDREN HAVE DIED BEFORE HER.
She's not that old. No one really is here. With a life expectancy of 38, 42 years at best, I can't imagine watching ALL YOUR CHILDREN die.

My guard told me about someone in his family who had a sick child. This child was a twin and was admitted to the hospital. A few days later-- dead. Not unusual that just one twin survives.

The stench is everywhere.

"It's just a part of life." I've heard it hundreds of times. Yes, death is part of life. But I don't think it means we're not supposed to fight for life.


Jesus says in John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and KILL and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. 


This stench of death unsettles me. It wears on me. I never want to get used to it because it comes directly from the "thief" and I walk with the one who has promised life, and not just life but life to the FULL.

I've seen more than dead dogs on the road. I quiver as I write just because of how wrong it is. How not "just a part of life" it should be. I can't even let my mind go back there. I heave.

I hope this never stops upsetting me. Until we live and believe that He has come that we may have "life and have it to the full" we better keep fighting because THIS should NOT just be a part of life. Not here, not anywhere. It's not okay.

It stinks here. The smell lingers.

We best get fighting.

the list

Thanksgiving. Praising God when it's not easy. Always being grateful. Through EVERYTHING.
These have never been my first nature reactions to difficult times. Even to mediocre times I would have to say.
Over the last 2 years, or should I say 4? I feel as if I'm to the point that I've got nothing left to try than to develop this habit of thanksgiving. To be fully alive, praising God and being grateful for every good thing in my life. "Every good and perfect gift comes from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17 As I've shared several times recently the book "One Thousand Gifts" and the authors blog aholyexperience.com have become pivotal in this new "discovery".

Counting my gifts, up to 1000, never stopping.
Praying for my eyes to be opened to see them.
To feel them.
To let them be enough for me to be happy.
For them to bring me to a deeper joy and contentment in this place that I find myself.

Nothing else has worked.
I've cried my ocean of tears.
I've written my pages of struggles.
I've begged and pleaded with the Lord.
I've tried to sleep it off.
It's not working. Nothing is working.

Today started differently. Now, I'll warn you (again), I'm no mega-spiritual person who has grandiose dreams and visions. This is me being simple and child-like, again.

155. My house has an open/revolving door.

- One of the things I love being here is that we're able to open our house up to almost any and everyone that passes through. Several times I've heard of people coming through town and I've been able to offer them a bed. In doing so, I've gained some really excellent friends and great support. When I came home from Zambia I returned to a house full of 5 women (days later it was 6) and 3 year old twins + Nede = chaos
Now, this is just background info to help you understand this morning.

156. Special surprises where you least expect them.

- Some weeks before I went to Zambia I took off one of the 2 rings that I always wear. And, underneath it I was having some weird fungal infection/eczema/skin breakdown, that I'd never had before. So, I took the ring off and put it on the window sill in the kitchen. Just before going to Zambia I wanted to wear it and I couldn't find it. I left without it. Upon my return, I thought I had remembered putting it "somewhere safe". For 3 weeks now I've been searching everywhere I could think of for this ring. Well...this morning I was making Nede's lunch for school and I found a half eaten bag of chips in the cupboard (remember I had 7 extra people in my house, I don't always know what I do and don't have), I had never eaten from this bag of chips, or seen it for that matter. As I open it up to empty the contents into a bag for Nede's lunch, there was my RING! I'll never know how that happened. I will always be thankful for:

157. "Mom, why did you put your ring inside there?"

158. Badly translated t-shirts from the market (see photo below)

159. Making construction paper chains to count down the arrival of visitors (my mom on June 15th)

160. Nede insisting on hanging things in the middle of the walkway.

(My shirt that makes me happy says: 

Happily

Camp in Summer

GREEN

it flies about

It Promises

Indefinitely)

This is it. This is my current approach. Writing my list and enjoying each little blessing that's writing this big story. And tonight I'm laughing and I haven't cried in days. Thank you Lord! Please keep teaching me to be thankful.

161. My favorite ring