(I've gotten many compliments on this being a great photo and photography, I didn't take the picture. Thanks to my friend Shayle.)

Part 2: an "escape"

Okay, okay, now on to my "escape" with a bit more substance. I do know that Jesus is, and is supposed to be, my Blake Shelton cheering me on and supporting me. If I'm really honest though, it doesn't always (often) "feel" that way. 

For Christmas I received a package with this book in it:

It's called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I think and pray that this book and this author are on the brink of changing my life, for the WAY better. Ann is a mother of 6 who home-schools her children and supports her husband as he farms. The book takes you on a beautiful journey of Ann's discovery of what it means to be thankful, to count the small things in life as blessings because she's learned that the word eucharisteo in the Greek really means thanksgiving and "thanksgiving always precedes the miracle."  Through the journey the Lord had her on she was challenged to open her eyes to the blessings around her in her daily life, and to count them, to 1,000. 

After I finished reading this book I was determined to make my list of 1,000 gifts, confident that through training my mind, this would soon become habit and I'd be a new woman of constant thankfulness, in all circumstances. Well, one night in particular I was really getting this, it was clicking in my mind as to how right-on Ann is in the importance of being grateful and praising God no-matter-what! I even searched iTunes and found a message Ann Voskamp had given at Wheaton College and listened to that. I then spent time recording things I'm thankful for. Then, a few hours later I woke in the night with a headache, one of the headaches that sent me to Zimbabwe for a CT scan months back, and I reminded myself-- "give thanks in all circumstances, give thanks now Dara." As I lay in bed tossing and turning in agony I couldn't think of ONE SINGLE THING TO BE THANKFUL FOR! Oops, I failed already. 

Shortly after this night I was sharing this with some friends and we agreed that for some twisted reason we seem to think that God owes us something. I was glad to hear my friend say this because it's often what I think. I often feel so sorry for myself and have the attitude that I've "sacrificed so much", this shouldn't be so hard, God should really bless me for my willingness to fight this fight. In all actuality, my eyes are just blinded to seeing how God is blessing me right now. Right now is a holy moment, right now is the time to be thankful (eucharisteo) because right now is preceding the miracle. And the miracle may not be what I think it ought to be but perhaps through seeing daily blessings I'll then see the miracle.  

So I write my list: 

1. Children learning to ride a bike after taking off the training wheels.

2. Daisies dancing in a gentle breeze.

3. Froth on a good cappuccino.

4. A happy child speaking in a foreign language.

5. Lavender linen spray.

37. The smell of chocolate chip cookies baking.

38. Bubble baths.

39. Missing teeth on a 6 year old.

63. Adriel as my AZ BFF.

64. A quiet house with lights dimmed and candles lit.

65.

74. The way Nede fits into the crook of my neck when I carry her to the toilet at midnight.

75. Reading blogs of other single moms.

96. Ann Voskamp

97. Reading www.aholyexperience.com

98. Greg Boyd 

108. Memories of being on Santa Monica beach.

109. The way Nede's pinky fingers curves in, just a little.

110. The Voice

It get's contagious. I start feeling excited to write the next "gift" in my little book. It's amazing how my whole outlook, of what can be a terribly depressing place, can change just by looking for a gift. By trying to be fully aware of each moment as a holy moment. Each "gift" around me as a blessing, as something special from my heavenly Father. 

This isn't actually an "escape" per se , but it is an "escape" from what is natural to me. An "escape" into who God desires me to be, into whom I'm becoming? I need to read A Thousand Gifts again because I think that it is key to what we miss out on in our daily lives. It's what I miss. I really desire to enjoy the now and not to just wait for things to be better. Even right now as I swat mosquitoes, that likely are carrying malaria (there's nothing to be thankful about with mosquitoes is there?), this is a holy moment in the presence of my loving Father who is 

77. "Christ in me the hope of glory." Colossians 1:27

Eucharisteo.Thankfulness. This could change my life. 

I pray this WILL change my life. 

110. Falling into bed when you're completely exhausted.

Part 1: an "escape"

(Perhaps this is one of the most elementary blogs I've ever written but you're seeing how simple and childish my faith is becoming, you'll see;)

It's been awhile since I've written much. I'm not really sure why. Maybe because my days haven't been filled with much more than monotony and drudgery. That sounds quite depressing, doesn't it? Many days I'm left wondering what to do with these feelings I have. Feeling overwhelmed by homesickness, longing to hear the English language on the streets, wanting for 1 day to not hear about a death of someone close to a friend, not hearing the pack of street dogs yipping and howling every night when I go to sleep, not checking my bank account every day to see if I'm going to have enough money to buy meat this week or pay for my residence permit to stay here another year-- it all feels so stressful. Not to mention the adoption, not to mention trying to raise a 6 year old as a single mom in a foreign land, not to mention the 14 year old child we're treating at the clinic with 3 massive tumors protruding out of his scalp, not to mention everyone around me suffering in some way with HIV/AIDS, not to mention being a "house mom" to a 22 year old girl still finding her way in this culture...

What do I do with this? What do I do when all I want to do is go back to bed after I get Nede off to school? What do I do when my mind is in a million places and I pour litchi juice in my coffee this morning instead of milk?

There are 2 things that I have done recently-- one I'm proud of and think that it's right in line with what God's doing within me on this journey. The other, no where near profound or Godly but it provided an incredible outlet, an incredible "escape" for me.

I'll start with the not so profound blessing.

I made a vow recently with some friends to watch more TV. Not too often do people need to promise themselves to watch MORE TV do they? I don't even have a TV. I do have a computer with a functional DVD drive.

The other evening after getting Nede to bed I decided I wanted to start to watch something. (Typically I'm so tired in the evenings that I end up just falling asleep with a book on my lap or I'm so full of anxious energy that I just muddle around the house doing nothing at all or surfing the internet looking for answers to some of my many questions about this season of life I'm in). I found that I had season 1 of The Voice. Now, I know I'm totally last year! but I started watching it and I was hooked! For the last week I watched the whole first season of The Voice.

Why did I love this so much? I'm not sure. I was totally impressed with how encouraging and positive the judges were to these aspiring artists. I love music but can hardly billow a note from this voice of mine. It just felt so good to watch this-- good to see normal people having dreams come true, good to hear quality music, good to see celebrities investing themselves to help someone else's dreams come true--giving back to the music industry what someone along the way probably had done for them.

I became especially attached to Blake Shelton and 2 of the girls on his team, Dia Frampton and Xenia. (I know this is a silly blog, I wish you could understand how just watching this, over a year late, makes me feel connected to "home" and a whole new light of things-- I need these "escapes".) I don't know how many times I cried while watching Blake's (a first name basis, as if I know him) interactions with these girls. From watching the show he seemed to believe in and care about these girls (and everyone but especially these 2) far beyond a celebrity working on a talent search show. He cared, acting as a father figure, it brought me much joy. He believed in their talent, stood by them, worked hard with them and loved them. It was beautiful. Now I sit here searching iTunes for music of these girls that I grew to be great fans of. I found this duet of  Dia Frampton and Blake Shelton, and I cried again:

I don't know why this all feels so significant. Maybe this is what happens when you feel so out of touch with your own culture, I now cling to celebrities and rising stars to experience something "normal." Of course I know this is made for TV and I don't really know how "real" their relationship is, but what was aired was a deep reminder to me of what we're called to do as the Church, as part of walking out the Kingdom together. The commitment and encouragement touched my heart. This was a shining example.


Maybe this moved me because I realize we're all searching for a Blake Shelton to cheer us along and believe in us. 

I know, this may sound oh, so silly but for me it took me away from the darkness, away from my daily challenges and into a place where dreams come true. The overall winner of The Voice (as if I'm informing you, this is OLD news;) was Javier Colon, a young father of 2 beautiful children. This also made me cry.

I celebrated with them. I needed to remember some dreams do come true!

(More about how God is using this and my other "escape" in part 2 to come. Now I need to go check out the 2 kittens that decided to make a home on my roof last night and prepare for Nede and a friend coming home to play this afternoon)

happy birthday cousins

It's hard to believe it's been over 2 years since I said goodbye to my sister in her hospital room as we all awaited the arrival of 4 more to our family. It's also surreal to think that I'll come back to a family of 11 after leaving my family of 6. I long for that sweet day. And now on the celebration of their second year, Nede says

"Happy Birthday to all my cousins!!!"

And together we say, "Happy Happy Birthday!!!"

Lots of love from Auntie DJ and Nede. We can't wait to see you and hug you!

worship

I miss shopping at Target. I also miss scenting my home with Pier One Import candles. When I first tried to make this house, "home", I wanted a shopping spree thinking that "things", I like would make it a home. 

I still would like more cozy decor but God's given me something else.

I also miss being a single, footloose and fancy free young woman. Now I struggle to find even a few minutes to quiet my heart and mind to write or read and pray. Even when I find some quiet time much of the time I've found it difficult to open the Bible, difficult to read the Word without falling asleep or wanting to do a million other things. Finding ways to worship hasn't come easy. And when it has it's been quite simple, almost child-like. 

Cardboard boxes and Crayola markers:

This is the wall that decorates my bedroom. Now smeared from the roof leaking and rain pouring down the wall it's becoming plastered with promises and reminders that the Lord has given me over these last months and years. Some days simply writing a truth on a piece of cardboard has been the most holy thing that I can get myself to participate in. It's been through these few moments that I feel like I am really worshiping and communing with my Father.  I think it represents where I'm at-- desperate, child-like, simple, but always hopeful...always hoping.

I think God's okay with it too. This is the season I'm in. I'm asking many questions-- I'm searching for answers. My faith continues to become my own. It's different than just accepting what I hear from the pulpit.

It's real and it's mine.

It's simple.

he's crazy 'bout kids

I took this video of Nede tonight. She just loves singing life and making it up as she goes.

Later, when I put her to bed, we read from her Children's Message Bible "about when Jesus got angry". (Matthew 21:12-14). We spent some time talking about what makes us angry.

Then we kept reading.

The "loan sharks" and "dove merchants" were upset that after Jesus tipped over their tables in the temple the children carried on chanting and shouting, "Hosanna to David's Son!" The people who were jealous of the praise Jesus was receiving were now angry and looking for a reason to "accuse" Jesus. "Do you hear what these children are saying?"

I believe Jesus calmly responded with, "Yes, I hear them. And haven't you read in God's Word, 'From the mouths of children and babies I'll furnish a place of praise'?"

"From the mouths of children and babies..."

"From the mouths of CHILDREN and BABIES..."

I'm again reminded of how often Jesus emphasized the importance of children.

"...of children and babies..."

As I re-watch and reflect on Nede's song tonight (translation provided below;) I can't help but think about how serious Jesus was (is) about children. "From the mouths of children and babies I'll furnish a place of praise." I'm no Bible scholar, I don't know if I 100% get what he's saying here but...I think it sounds amazing. And what I remain SURE of is that God USES CHILDREN and Jesus ADORED them. And, if I'm to call myself a Jesus follower I NEED TO AS WELL. It's not suggested. It's not recommend. It IS!

I've recently been following some other blogs of single women who've adopted. I've been highly blessed and encouraged by this. I'm also blessed to have many friends here who've also done and are doing crazy things for kids-- taken them into their homes in what the world would say are under CRAZY circumstances. There are many people doing CRAZY things for kids (projecthopeful.org is just one example I admire). Tonight I'm left here thinking about what more we're called to do. Maybe these "crazy" people aren't actually crazy at all. Maybe this is what should be "normal" if we are a Jesus follower.

Because...

'From the mouths of children and babies I'll furnish a place of praise'. Matthew 21:16

[Jesus the little children they're singing
To Jesus
Jesus doesn't miss anything
If you see Jesus, run and give Jesus hug

(awkward pause)

Jesus, the little children they're singing
To Jesus
And Jesus doesn't miss anything
If you see Jesus, run and give Jesus hug

Jesus loves the little children
If you see Jesus you can and give Jesus big hug
This is a song for Jesus.
That's the end of the song.]

havin' fun with my cheap camera and one cute kid

my family

Hair seems to be a main focus of our life. Nature vs. Nurture??

"my stone"

Occasionally I sit with Nede and do a little Bible story and try to memorize a scripture together. Nede's got down 1 Peter 5:7, "Give all your worries to God for he cares for you."
Monday we tried to learn Psalm 18:2, "The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer." I realize that she probably doesn't understand what that verse means at all, hey, I'm not even sure I do! When I asked Nede to recite it the next day she hesitated and said, " The Lord is my stone and my Veggie Tale."
Oops, we don't have that one down quite as well. ;)

blessed are...

I stopped in my tracks this morning as I caught a glance of myself in the mirror. The bags under my eyes hang heavy, the crease from my smile line deeper than I’ve ever noticed, even when I’m without expression. Am I really starting to look haggard not just feeling it?

Moments later I remember words that resounded out of my own mouth just last week.

We went to visit Macadeira, the community I’m working with with Hands at Work, while there my Mozambican colleague put me on the spot saying, “Dara can give us a Word while we wait for the others to arrive.” Even though I know I should ALWAYS be ready for this because it’s unusual to NOT be asked to give a Word when visiting any group of Mozambicans, this day, I was not ready. To be honest I haven’t had any profound quiet times or times in the Word recently. I had nothing to share. With no other options, I took a breath and thought, “Lord, give me something to say.”

What followed wasn’t of me. I hadn’t intended to speak at all but now that I saw into my soul in the mirror this morning I think I needed to speak those words last week for myself, to remember today.

Matthew 5:3-10 The Beatitudes

   ³ “Blessed are the poor in spirit, 
   for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 
⁴ Blessed are those who mourn, 
   for they will be comforted. 
⁵ Blessed are the meek, 
   for they will inherit the earth. 
⁶ Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, 
   for they will be filled. 
⁷ Blessed are the merciful, 
   for they will be shown mercy. 
⁸ Blessed are the pure in heart, 
   for they will see God. 
⁹ Blessed are the peacemakers, 
   for they will be called children of God. 
¹⁰ Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, 
   for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

I'm reminded that that morning I didn’t read, “Blessed is the best nurse.” 

I didn’t read, “Blessed is the fastest runner.”

I didn’t read, “Blessed is he who is best dressed.” 

I didn’t read, “Blessed is the Mom of the Year.”  

I didn’t read, “Blessed is the bilingual missionary.” 

I didn’t read, “Blessed is the one with the cushioned bank account.” 

I didn’t read, “Blessed is she who is comfortable with her daily life.”

Instead I read and shared about many things that I feel these days.  I hope I don’t come off as ‘holier than thou’ but I feel crushed in spirit many times, I mourn things that I’ve lost, I would love to see less injustice and more righteousness (starting first within myself). I could go on…

But in this I’m reminded that I’m right where I should be. I’m right where God wants me. I’m headed to the place of blessing.

 No! I’m not headed there. I am there. I’m in the blessing. I’m living the blessing. And this MUST be my joy.

This I need to practice and receive.